06.19.08

i can't sleep. it's been like this for the last week or so, at least. there's this constant current of nervous energy just buzzing through me. i hate it. my mind won't stop fretting and thinking and daydreaming and wondering and worrying and planning and guessing and...ugh...i wish it would just slow down! i can't stop planning my escape from the dullness and the white noise of this place. i'm weary of fighting this urge to get up and move. i'm sick of wrestling with idea after idea of where i'm supposed to be (because it isn't here) and never finding an answer. life is good...no, it's great...and i have no reason at all (at all!) to complain and be discontent...but deep down in the very core of it all i know i'm being pulled elsewhere. the problem is i just don't know where, exactly.

i long to be out of this place -- this suffocating, lost, superficial, dirty city. there's a film over everything here. it's hard to explain...things are diluted...God is watered down by all this hustle and bustle, cement and traffic, money and skyscrapers. but out in wide open spaces i'm constantly reminded of God. i see Him in everything...the sky, the wind, the grass, the earth, the trees, the animals, the colors, the textures, the sounds...He created it all. He didn't create cities. He didn't create fancy, designer clothes. He didn't create the corporate ladder, Mercedes or Starbucks...

maybe it all comes down to what john eldredge says in desire. i'm not of this world. God did not create me to call this world home so naturally i'll feel homesick for the place i was created to be. He created me to live for eternity in Heaven with Him. ...and so the closest i feel to home is when i'm out in nature, surrounded by and in awe of all the beauty God created.