11.18.08

I've been going to Calvary steadily for a couple of months, and even though I now consider it my home church I'm not involved. I'll go to Sunday service and attend an occasional Wednesday night lecture, but I've been feeling a tug lately to dive into the heart of what Calvary is doing. To serve. To volunteer. To be holding an oar and paddling instead of sitting along for the ride. To seek out fellowship and become an impactful part of the living, breathing community of the church.

A month or so back, I went to observe children's ministry on Wednesday night in hopes that I'd feel a calling to help out. I won't get into details, but by the end of the night I knew it wasn't where I was meant to be. Then I remembered hearing that sometimes we're meant to serve where we had once struggled...because we have an easier time understanding and relating. My testimony is more age appropriate for high school and college students. Those were the years when I was struggling. Those were the years I was wandering in a haze of depression and self destruction. Those were the years I pushed God away, my heart so hard and unwilling to accept the fact that I was loved. Maybe, just maybe, those bad times can be used for good -- I can use those experiences to shed light and love on kids who are going through the same struggles I once was. Maybe I can help them because I'll understand them. Maybe...

So, I filled out a card requesting more information on serving in high-school ministries and just yesterday I received an e-mail from the high-school pastor of my church. In the next week or so I'm going to visit and see what it's all about. Deep down, I'm feeling this tug to serve...but I'm also feeling very, very intimidated. I'm scared. I'm scared of stepping out of my little, safe bubble. I'm scared of committing (serving in high-school ministry requires at least a one-year commitment -- serving Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings). I'm scared that the kids will think I'm uncool, lame and uninteresting. I'm scared my anxiety will build and I'll have a panic attack if I have to stand up and introduce myself in front of them. I'm scared I won't have anything of value to give. I'm scared I'll be rejected. This fear though...this fear is the extra push I need to dive into this....because I know fear is not of God. I know that when I feel this fear start to well up inside me, that it's trying to keep me from doing something God has created me to do. Satan has used fear for so long to keep me suppressed...to keep me from stepping out in faith and reaching the potential God has for me. He's used fear too long to keep me pushed down. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of letting it rule me. I'm at my breaking point...I'm ready to step out and push the fear aside.