I walked out of my painting class tonight. I got there early and sat behind an easel and stared at a few examples leaned up against the chalk board. Instead of getting excited, I grew more and more uninspired as each minute ticked closer to the beginning of class. I don't want to create another grey scale of a sphere and a cone. I don't want to create another still life of plastic fruit in a bowl. I don't want to create another version of draped cloth or cheapen up another masterpiece by attempting to copy a Van Gogh. I felt my inspiration turning to dust and right before the class was about to start I picked up my belongings, slung my purse over my shoulder, focused my eyes on the door and walk straight out of class. It was one of those few occasions I didn't care that all eyes were on me. I walked out in front of the students and in front of the teacher and didn't look back. I just couldn't do it.
When I got home, I parked and sat in my car in the dark and cried and cried. I don't understand it, but something fierce is going on inside me. Most of my life I've felt that I see things strangely. I see things that so many people over look...and those little things are so beautiful to me I feel overwhelmed. I can see God all around me in everything. I saw Him tonight in the grey clouds lined with the pink touch of sunset. I saw Him in the twisting branches of trees along the side of the road. I saw Him in the rain that fell and reflected in the stream of light from the parking lot lamp. I saw Him in the mud puddle in my front yard that shone like glass. And the thing is, I've taken in all His beauty for so long and I'm filled to the brim with it and it's aching and screaming to get out but I don't know how to release it! I don't know what to paint. I don't know what to sing. I don't know how to free all of His beauty that's inside me. And if I don't let it out soon I think I might just go mad. It's not meant to be kept locked away, it's meant to spill out in brilliant colors and sounds. I just can't find the key.
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Favorite Quotes
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” - Jack Kerouac
“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls." - Mother Teresa
“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls." - Mother Teresa
1 comment:
Jes, I am praying for your freedom. Praying for God to reveal a way for you to fully worship Him - whether it is singing, or painting, or jumping in mud - I am praying for you to be able to pour everything you are feeling out into worship of Him.
Love you friend.
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