04.30.09

As I was driving to work this morning I was trying to figure out where this uneasiness is coming from. Why do I feel so anxious and flighty? Then, it hit me. The fire of youth is still burning in me and the cold, ooze of reality is trying to seep it’s way in. It’s like there’s a battle going on inside me. My heart is crying out for adventure and beauty but the world is pulling me into the steady dullness of busy schedules, heartless work and “responsibilities”. But, I wonder, what’s the true, responsible way to live? Do I kill the passion in order to live a life that makes sense or do I follow the heart even if it leads to a place that’s messy?

On a side note, I went out to the barn after work yesterday to say hi to Linda and the gang. When I got there the barn was quiet and I snuck into Kalvin’s stall…I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried. I miss him so much. It still hurts that God asked me to let something go that makes me so happy. It’s just another thing I can’t make sense of right now. Why does God fill my heart with a desire so deep for things that He doesn’t want for my life? I cling to the hope that one day it will all makes sense…that one day all the desires will come to life…but until then, why can’t He just remove the desire so it doesn’t hurt so much?

04.29.09

Oh wow. Get Bon Iver's Blood Bank EP and listen to it. Right now I'm listening to "Babys" and it's taking me to a place in my head…under cherry tree branches in full blossom and the petals are falling all around me.

What is it about music that is so powerful?!

04.28.09

I keep having this vision of riding in the back of a pickup truck with my legs dangling over the bed, traveling down a long stretch of dirt road with dry, wild grass boarding the road and spreading as far as the eyes can see. It's a warm day and sunlight casts a golden sheen on everything. I have jeans and cowboy boots on and there's a soft cloud of dust following behind the truck. It's a vision I've seen for years and every time I see it my heart immediately grows homesick. I don't understand it. I saw it again last night.

04.27.09 P.S.

I need to vent. I’m kinda blue today. I’m trying not to be. I keep reading over Philippians 4:8 (message) but for some reason my heart is hard to it and it’s not sinking in...

“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

I hate that I’m glum. It’s not praising to God to be this way. I’m struggling today. I’m frustrated and wondering why God has put such a huge desire in my heart but no way of bringing it to life (at least, not right now). It’s hard to sit in a cube for 8+ hours a day when the world outside is spinning with adventure. It’s hard to type words about IT products (boring!) when my hands want to draw and create. It’s hard to have my head full of colors and sounds and far-off places when I can’t set it all free. It’s hard to literally ache for wide-open spaces and be stuck at some corporate job in the city. I don’t understand it. I really need to humble myself and give it all to God. I need to trust that He has me in this very place for a reason. He’s so loving and so faithful and so wise…why is it so hard to trust that He’s got a plan? Why is it so hard for me to be obedient with where He’s put me and be patient?

04.27.09

I live in southern California and I can’t tan. It doesn’t sound right, does it? If lived in Antarctica or England not being tan wouldn’t be so bad….but southern California?! Here in Orange County almost the entire population (minus a few ghosts like me) are tan. It looks healthy. It looks youthful. It looks…right! But, I’ve been cursed with pasty, pale skin that freaks out when it gets too much sun. And, after all these years, I still haven’t given up on trying to change that. I laid out this weekend in my backyard, basking in the sun with high hopes of getting at least a normal skin color, and ended up with a sun rash that covered my entire belly and back. Of course, my legs remained as white as white can be. It’s ridiculous! I knew my skin was going to freak out but I’m so stubborn. Plus, I’m covered in freckles that scream cancer risk…only an idiot would try to fry in the sun! Yes…I’m the idiot. I have a feeling it’s gonna be an oompa-loompa, fake-tan kind of summer. That, or I’ll just blind people with my legs.

Speaking of summer…I’m hoping to find some time to work on my backyard. All my grand, party ideas probably won’t happen, knowing me, but a small BBQ would be nice at least! The problem is finding time to actually work on the backyard….not to mention the rest of the house that’s STILL not done from when I moved in months and months ago. One of these days, I suppose.

04.26.09

I changed my blog title to Bird in Flight. I feel like I’ve been growing and changing so much lately. I used to feel like a caged bird — beating and bashing my wings against the cage. Trapped. God has been providing me such freedom and strength these past couple months. I'm not a caged bird anymore, I'm a bird in flight!

04.22.09

Regina left yesterday. I’m sure going to miss that girl…at least until I see her again in August. It feels weird not having her around…there’s an empty spot now. ::sad::

On a good note, I got to catch up on my sleep last night! It was delicious!!

04.16.09

I'm boarderline obsessed with lime green right now. I don't know where it came from and I have no idea how long it's going to last. It's so ridiculous that I get excited when I find something lime green at work. I have to place them all in front of my computer so I can enjoy looking at them all day. It's weird, I know.

04.14.09 P.S.

I want one:

04.14.09

My guitar lesson was awesome! Taps is a great teacher and I’m really excited about learning. Last night I learned the G-major scale, the A-major scale, and a strumming pattern (down, down, up, up, down) in a 4/4 beat. My homework is to practice at least an hour a day. As much as I miss Kalvin and having horses in my life, I’m happy I have time to learn guitar now. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for the ten-plus, clueless years I’ve been strumming around on one. I’m on my way to becoming a rock star!

04.13.09

I had the most wonderful Easter yesterday! Church was an incredible celebration of Jesus and how He’s restored so many lives. It was pretty special! After that, I met Regina and we drove down to Corona Del Mar to spend about an hour sitting in the sand, soaking in the sun, watching the ocean, people watching and just being. After that I went to the family commune’s BBQ to eat very tasty food and take in family time. Happiness!

Tonight I’m meeting up with Taps for my first, official guitar lesson. I’ve been playing for years and years but I’m still only doing basic chords. I’ve been lazy…but now I’m ready to step it up a notch and become a rock star! I can’t wait to start learning!

I want to plan a trip to Isla Holbox and go snorkeling with whale shark! Who’s with me?

04.08.09

Karen is visiting from Boston and staying at my house for about a week. My house is so ill-equipped for house guests -- poor Karen is sleeping on an air mattress in my living room. I have no food in the fridge, I'm rarely home to keep her company and I don't even have a TV for her to watch. She still felt it in her heart to bring flowers home one night as one of her many thank yous. I'm very undeserving of them but they broke into bloom today and I just have to share:

04.07.09

Tuesday morning happiness is...

Uncle Kevin (who works in my department) bringing me McDonald's coffee (seriously some of the best coffee around):



CC sending me a picture of a MINI Cooper as she's driving into work because she knows I'm obsessed with getting one right now and wanted to make me smile:



Karen, who's staying at my house this week, sending me a really cute picture of Lily sleeping on her (Lily is in love with Karen, it seems!):

04.03.09

I ended my lease on Kalvin the other day. I miss him already. Linda is the sweetest (ever!) and told me I'm welcome to come out and say hi but I don't know if I can do it. It's hard. I'm sad but I'm also pretty sure I made the right choice. Sometimes the right choices aren't always the ones we want.

I'm stepping it up a level with my dedication to Refuge and I'm also amping up my involvement in my church. Refuge, Jr. High ministry, arts ministry and (soon) young adults night...with all that going on I just don't have the time Kalvin needs and deserves.

Letting go wasn't easy. For awhile I was clinging and pretending that I wasn't hearing God calling me away from Kalvin and into ministry at my church. What helped me let go was knowing that God has the power to bring me horses if He choses. My job is to follow the path He's placed before me and trust Him.

I'm holding onto the hope that one day He'll bring horses into my life and they'll be here to stay. I can't explain the connection I feel to them...horses and wide-open spaces make me so, so happy!