Saturday
Friday
Thursday
06.26.08
My wonderful Lori sent me the devotional she was reading tonight. I plan on printing it out and keeping it in my car, my cubicle and my home. Patience. I must learn patience. It's something I've always had trouble with and now I see how very important it is. Thank you Lorz:
The Work of Patience
Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry"
Any time you become frustrated and start trying to make things happen on your own, it is a sure sign you are not being patient with God. You need to practice waiting on God and let Him do what He wants to do, in His way and time. The best definition of patience I have ever heard is "to be constant or to be the same all the time, no matter what is going on". Patience is not merely waiting, it is how you act while you are waiting. The hardest thing most of us will ever have to do as Christians is wait on the Lord. You will undoubtedly have to wait on many things during your lifetime. Waiting is not optional. But it is during the waiting periods of life that the most powerful things will happen within you...
The Work of Patience
Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry"
Any time you become frustrated and start trying to make things happen on your own, it is a sure sign you are not being patient with God. You need to practice waiting on God and let Him do what He wants to do, in His way and time. The best definition of patience I have ever heard is "to be constant or to be the same all the time, no matter what is going on". Patience is not merely waiting, it is how you act while you are waiting. The hardest thing most of us will ever have to do as Christians is wait on the Lord. You will undoubtedly have to wait on many things during your lifetime. Waiting is not optional. But it is during the waiting periods of life that the most powerful things will happen within you...
Wednesday
06.25.08 p.s.
Ara Batur by Sigur Ros is chilling to the soul it's so beautiful.
It's been on repeat on my ipod for the past hour at least...
Listen to the full song with your eyes closed. What do you see?
It's been on repeat on my ipod for the past hour at least...
Listen to the full song with your eyes closed. What do you see?
06.25.08
I love my friend Carrie. Not only is she one of my dearest of all friends, but she's the one who helps me stay grounded when I let my emotions start carrying me away. I'm already feeling better!
So, here are my plans:
Dressage lessons to quench my horse fix and to be learning more
Art class to spur my creativity back into action
Church small group for local fellowship and serving opportunities
I feel like I can breathe again!
So, here are my plans:
Dressage lessons to quench my horse fix and to be learning more
Art class to spur my creativity back into action
Church small group for local fellowship and serving opportunities
I feel like I can breathe again!
Monday
06.23.08
i'm an axious person. i think i always have been. it can be so crippling when i let it take me over. my dear friend regina commented on my last blog post and gave me an amazing Bible verse. i've read it before a number of times, but this time it spoke to me in a strong way:
Rejoice, in the Lord always. I will say it again rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:4-7
i need to work on being thankful, truly thankful, for the life God has given me. i have to keep my eyes focused on Him, let go of this anxiety and trust that He has it all taken care of. it's hard to let go of things and hand them over when i want so badly to take hold of it and control my situation -- control where i live and where i work and who comes and goes in my life. i can pray and ask God for things but in the end if my prayers aren't answered, if what I want isn't in His plan, then i need to let it go and trust that whatever He has planned for my life is better than anything i could ever want.
Rejoice, in the Lord always. I will say it again rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:4-7
i need to work on being thankful, truly thankful, for the life God has given me. i have to keep my eyes focused on Him, let go of this anxiety and trust that He has it all taken care of. it's hard to let go of things and hand them over when i want so badly to take hold of it and control my situation -- control where i live and where i work and who comes and goes in my life. i can pray and ask God for things but in the end if my prayers aren't answered, if what I want isn't in His plan, then i need to let it go and trust that whatever He has planned for my life is better than anything i could ever want.
Sunday
06.22.08
it's been record-breaking heat this weekend. i'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow just to enjoy the air conditioning. the last two days in my little place have been pretty uncomfortable. i feel like i have a fever in me. i've taken a handful of cold showers just to get my body temperature down, but the water in the pipes never got cold enough to cool me down. i keep thinking about people in other parts of the world who live in this kind of heat all the time and aren't able to run to the mall or a movie theater to enjoy air conditioning. at least i have a freezer for frozen grapes and ice water!
i bought a friend today. i'm still waiting for him to tell me what his name is, although i'm thinking it might be Ezekiel...
i bought a friend today. i'm still waiting for him to tell me what his name is, although i'm thinking it might be Ezekiel...
Friday
06.20.08
i still have horses on the brain. i sketched one this morning at work. it was in my head and i had to get it out.
Thursday
06.19.08
i can't sleep. it's been like this for the last week or so, at least. there's this constant current of nervous energy just buzzing through me. i hate it. my mind won't stop fretting and thinking and daydreaming and wondering and worrying and planning and guessing and...ugh...i wish it would just slow down! i can't stop planning my escape from the dullness and the white noise of this place. i'm weary of fighting this urge to get up and move. i'm sick of wrestling with idea after idea of where i'm supposed to be (because it isn't here) and never finding an answer. life is good...no, it's great...and i have no reason at all (at all!) to complain and be discontent...but deep down in the very core of it all i know i'm being pulled elsewhere. the problem is i just don't know where, exactly.
i long to be out of this place -- this suffocating, lost, superficial, dirty city. there's a film over everything here. it's hard to explain...things are diluted...God is watered down by all this hustle and bustle, cement and traffic, money and skyscrapers. but out in wide open spaces i'm constantly reminded of God. i see Him in everything...the sky, the wind, the grass, the earth, the trees, the animals, the colors, the textures, the sounds...He created it all. He didn't create cities. He didn't create fancy, designer clothes. He didn't create the corporate ladder, Mercedes or Starbucks...
maybe it all comes down to what john eldredge says in desire. i'm not of this world. God did not create me to call this world home so naturally i'll feel homesick for the place i was created to be. He created me to live for eternity in Heaven with Him. ...and so the closest i feel to home is when i'm out in nature, surrounded by and in awe of all the beauty God created.
i long to be out of this place -- this suffocating, lost, superficial, dirty city. there's a film over everything here. it's hard to explain...things are diluted...God is watered down by all this hustle and bustle, cement and traffic, money and skyscrapers. but out in wide open spaces i'm constantly reminded of God. i see Him in everything...the sky, the wind, the grass, the earth, the trees, the animals, the colors, the textures, the sounds...He created it all. He didn't create cities. He didn't create fancy, designer clothes. He didn't create the corporate ladder, Mercedes or Starbucks...
maybe it all comes down to what john eldredge says in desire. i'm not of this world. God did not create me to call this world home so naturally i'll feel homesick for the place i was created to be. He created me to live for eternity in Heaven with Him. ...and so the closest i feel to home is when i'm out in nature, surrounded by and in awe of all the beauty God created.
Wednesday
06.18.08
i'm more flighty and anxious than usual. my mind is stir crazy. i feel like a caged bird fluttering and smashing against bars. i seriously might be going insane.
my mom is in pismo beach with my sister and her family for a little get away. she called last night to tell me how they saw three girls riding their horses on the beach. it threw my mind into a flurry. for the majority of today i was plagued with thoughts of how i could get that sort of life.
i'm trying to rein in all this anxiety. i can never create when my mind is at ease so i might as well take advantage of being insane and try to get back into drawing. tonight was frantic pen sketches of horses and elk. here's one of the horse heads:
my mom is in pismo beach with my sister and her family for a little get away. she called last night to tell me how they saw three girls riding their horses on the beach. it threw my mind into a flurry. for the majority of today i was plagued with thoughts of how i could get that sort of life.
i'm trying to rein in all this anxiety. i can never create when my mind is at ease so i might as well take advantage of being insane and try to get back into drawing. tonight was frantic pen sketches of horses and elk. here's one of the horse heads:
Tuesday
Monday
06.16.08 p.s.
my friend sent a guy my way she met on myspace. she told him to send me a message because not only is he a musician, but a Christian. she thought we might hit it off. we sent a few, brief messages back and forth but i was quickly turned off after i discovered he smokes weed and gets drunk.
i am so passionate about God -- so blown away at how much He loves me and how deeply He's changed my life -- and it makes me sad when people say they are followers of Christ but aren't really following. if a person truly believes in something, he'll live it out the best he can.
being a Christian isn't easy. in our society it isn't glamorous or cool. i get made fun of and i sacrifice things that are hard to give up. a lot of times i'm considered a square or some kind of freak. but i love God with all my heart and soul and i'm proud of Him -- and refuse to back down or stop talking about Him or following Him because people think i'm weird.
i want to be with a man who loves God so much that he'll stand up for the Lord regardless if it's considered uncool. there's something so inviting and strong and sexy about a man who has fallen in love with God and builds his life around the Lord.
i am so passionate about God -- so blown away at how much He loves me and how deeply He's changed my life -- and it makes me sad when people say they are followers of Christ but aren't really following. if a person truly believes in something, he'll live it out the best he can.
being a Christian isn't easy. in our society it isn't glamorous or cool. i get made fun of and i sacrifice things that are hard to give up. a lot of times i'm considered a square or some kind of freak. but i love God with all my heart and soul and i'm proud of Him -- and refuse to back down or stop talking about Him or following Him because people think i'm weird.
i want to be with a man who loves God so much that he'll stand up for the Lord regardless if it's considered uncool. there's something so inviting and strong and sexy about a man who has fallen in love with God and builds his life around the Lord.
06.16.08
ahhhhhhhhh!!!
i got a text from linda. her water broke at 3:30 this morning. she's at the hospital with an ocean view and says there's a good 15 hours before peanut will be here. 15 hours, really?! well, good things are worth waiting for!
i'm excited for the moment when she'll look her son in the eyes for the first time. what a beautiful, profound, important moment it will be!
i'm also excited God answered our prayers! a little group of us have been praying that linda would have a natural birth. she was due yesterday and scheduled to have induced labor at 6:00 this morning if it didn't happen before then. she was so fearful of being induced. God is so good! not a moment too early or too soon...perfect timing! God has been so faithful with answering prayers. my faith is small and each and every time i'm surprised all over again that He hears us.
happy birthday peanut!!!
i got a text from linda. her water broke at 3:30 this morning. she's at the hospital with an ocean view and says there's a good 15 hours before peanut will be here. 15 hours, really?! well, good things are worth waiting for!
i'm excited for the moment when she'll look her son in the eyes for the first time. what a beautiful, profound, important moment it will be!
i'm also excited God answered our prayers! a little group of us have been praying that linda would have a natural birth. she was due yesterday and scheduled to have induced labor at 6:00 this morning if it didn't happen before then. she was so fearful of being induced. God is so good! not a moment too early or too soon...perfect timing! God has been so faithful with answering prayers. my faith is small and each and every time i'm surprised all over again that He hears us.
happy birthday peanut!!!
Sunday
06.15.08 p.s.
i'm drinking blue like jazz. everyone needs to read it. i'm now through chapter five and have to share more quotes:
"the magical proposition of the gospel, once free from the clasps of fairy tale, was very adult to me, very gritty like something from hemingway or steinbeck, like something with copious amounts of sex and blood. christian spirituality was not a children's story. it wasn't cute or neat. it was mystical and odd and clean, and it was reaching into dirty. there was wonder in it and enchantment."
"i always thought the bible was more of a salad thing, you know, but it isn't. it is a chocolate thing."
"the magical proposition of the gospel, once free from the clasps of fairy tale, was very adult to me, very gritty like something from hemingway or steinbeck, like something with copious amounts of sex and blood. christian spirituality was not a children's story. it wasn't cute or neat. it was mystical and odd and clean, and it was reaching into dirty. there was wonder in it and enchantment."
"i always thought the bible was more of a salad thing, you know, but it isn't. it is a chocolate thing."
06.15.08
i just started reading blue like jazz. i'd hear numerous people tell me how great it was and finally got around to buying it. i'm only through chapter two but already a handful of pages are dog eared. here are a few quotes that made me stop and think:
"sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. it is as if they are showing you the way."
"i believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time."
"i think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself."
"for a moment, sitting there above the city, i imagined life outside of narcissism. i wondered how beautiful it might be to think of others as more important than myself. i wondered at how peaceful it might be not to be pestered by that childish voice that wants for pleasure and attention. i wondered what it would be like not to live in a house of mirrors, everywhere i go being reminded of myself."
okay, i'm off the the grocery store to buy hansen's diet ginger soda. i'm addicted and craving it badly enough to make a special trip. yum.
"sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. it is as if they are showing you the way."
"i believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time."
"i think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself."
"for a moment, sitting there above the city, i imagined life outside of narcissism. i wondered how beautiful it might be to think of others as more important than myself. i wondered at how peaceful it might be not to be pestered by that childish voice that wants for pleasure and attention. i wondered what it would be like not to live in a house of mirrors, everywhere i go being reminded of myself."
okay, i'm off the the grocery store to buy hansen's diet ginger soda. i'm addicted and craving it badly enough to make a special trip. yum.
Saturday
06.14.08
random, coffee-induced thoughts of the morning:
when and why did i start wearing color? i'm not drawn to black nearly as much as i used to be. and i'm even starting to wear dresses! interesting...
two cups of coffee and some good music make cleaning not nearly as bad.
i want to jump in the waves right now.
as i was drifting off to sleep last night i was imagining living on a huge plot of land, with a horse, a shetland pony, a dog and an elk. i was thinking how one would go about getting a license to have a pet elk. then i was thinking if he would get lonely without other deer around...and would he end up gorging one of the horses in the chest in attempt to play? then i realized it probably wasn't a good idea and i removed him from my daydream.
i have the worst memory. i can't remember dates, times, names...i've been known to forget something entirely and argue with my friends that it never happened. what i remember most about things are what wake my senses. examples: the perfect, warm, light blue of the sky in texas, the feeling of sand filtering through my hands at the beach, the smell of horses and a the texture of mane wrapping around my fingers, a song playing at the perfect moment when the stars look brighter than ever before, the warmth of a dancing campfire, the first, deep breath of cold morning air, the smell of sage when i first stepped off the plane in oregon, the sound of leaves from the trees rustling in the wind, my heart beating rapidly in my chest and tears warm in my eyes (africa especially!)...i could go on and on.
today i'll be shopping with shannon for a dress and some new work shoes. i'm so lazy when it comes to clothes.
i think i'll play my guitar today.
the end.
when and why did i start wearing color? i'm not drawn to black nearly as much as i used to be. and i'm even starting to wear dresses! interesting...
two cups of coffee and some good music make cleaning not nearly as bad.
i want to jump in the waves right now.
as i was drifting off to sleep last night i was imagining living on a huge plot of land, with a horse, a shetland pony, a dog and an elk. i was thinking how one would go about getting a license to have a pet elk. then i was thinking if he would get lonely without other deer around...and would he end up gorging one of the horses in the chest in attempt to play? then i realized it probably wasn't a good idea and i removed him from my daydream.
i have the worst memory. i can't remember dates, times, names...i've been known to forget something entirely and argue with my friends that it never happened. what i remember most about things are what wake my senses. examples: the perfect, warm, light blue of the sky in texas, the feeling of sand filtering through my hands at the beach, the smell of horses and a the texture of mane wrapping around my fingers, a song playing at the perfect moment when the stars look brighter than ever before, the warmth of a dancing campfire, the first, deep breath of cold morning air, the smell of sage when i first stepped off the plane in oregon, the sound of leaves from the trees rustling in the wind, my heart beating rapidly in my chest and tears warm in my eyes (africa especially!)...i could go on and on.
today i'll be shopping with shannon for a dress and some new work shoes. i'm so lazy when it comes to clothes.
i think i'll play my guitar today.
the end.
Friday
06.13.08
i was doing good for a few days, but the craving is back again for open land and it's wild lifestyle. today i'm missing having a dog to go hiking with, take on camping trips, wrestle with, hug and get dirty with. i have my heart set on an australian cattle dog. just as soon as i find my open land, i'm getting myself a puppy!
i love this photo (grabbed from google). i can just smell the trees and imagine snuggling my nose in his furry neck.
i love this photo (grabbed from google). i can just smell the trees and imagine snuggling my nose in his furry neck.
Thursday
06.12.08 p.s.
one more thing...
during the ceremony eva went up on stage, was called a special kid and had a medal put around her neck. i could just feel how proud and happy and loved she felt. every single kid went up on stage, was named special and received a medal, one by one.
it got me thinking. things like that need to happen more often. we don't share with people nearly enough how special they are to us. how would you feel if someone called you special, with complete sincerity? now imagine sharing that warm-fuzzing feeling and telling someone how special they are to you...especially if they haven't heard it from you before.
during the ceremony eva went up on stage, was called a special kid and had a medal put around her neck. i could just feel how proud and happy and loved she felt. every single kid went up on stage, was named special and received a medal, one by one.
it got me thinking. things like that need to happen more often. we don't share with people nearly enough how special they are to us. how would you feel if someone called you special, with complete sincerity? now imagine sharing that warm-fuzzing feeling and telling someone how special they are to you...especially if they haven't heard it from you before.
06.12.08
evalyn graduated preschool today. i went to her graduation ceremony after work.
the park was filled with 75+ preschoolers and their siblings, a pirate and his five noisy parrots, sticky fingers and faces from cotton candy, popcorn and snow cones (the smell was amazing), laughter and screams of childish delight, bubbles in the air, sunshine, a balloon guy making most anything (i had elyssa ask for a unicorn to stump him but he was up for the challenge), balloon sword and flower fights, hugs galore...
it was delightful and made me feel so young and so old all at once.
here's a picture i took of eva, mid-jump on the moving bridge.
the park was filled with 75+ preschoolers and their siblings, a pirate and his five noisy parrots, sticky fingers and faces from cotton candy, popcorn and snow cones (the smell was amazing), laughter and screams of childish delight, bubbles in the air, sunshine, a balloon guy making most anything (i had elyssa ask for a unicorn to stump him but he was up for the challenge), balloon sword and flower fights, hugs galore...
it was delightful and made me feel so young and so old all at once.
here's a picture i took of eva, mid-jump on the moving bridge.
Wednesday
06.11.08
i've been feeling strangely sleepy these days. so much so that i have to fight not to fall asleep during my lunch break at work. i'll try to read and before i know it my eyes are half closed. i was asleep by 8 o'clock last night!
i'm still meaning to share pictures from my stupendous birthday surprise, but until then, here's a picture from Monday night when Linda and Ken came to my Mom's for dinner. It's Linda with her baby belly and me with a very large grapefruit belly.
i'm still meaning to share pictures from my stupendous birthday surprise, but until then, here's a picture from Monday night when Linda and Ken came to my Mom's for dinner. It's Linda with her baby belly and me with a very large grapefruit belly.
Friday
06.06.08 p.s.
i am playing the acoustic version of maps (by yeah yeah yeahs) on my ipod and watching rufus swim around his bowl. have you ever really looked at a fish? especially a beta fish as handsome as rufus? his fins flutter around like little wings and all his colors and delicate details just amaze me. (i'm sure coworkers think i'm a tad strange, sitting here peering intensely into the fish bowl). how can people look at beautiful things like this and think it was all created by some massive accident?
06.06.08
i've been meaning to write but life is wonderfully busy these days. i'm getting pretty used to not being a hermit and it's a fabulous thing. i'm starting to feel the lack of sleep though...
i've fallen back into my addiction with coffee. it's a fantastic thing having a 7-11 on my block. every morning for the past two weeks i've stopped on my way to work for a warm cup of half french vanilla coffee and half vanilla cappuccino. i even bought a coffee maker on my birthday so i can start making my own at home. yum.
i'm going to try to upload pictures from my birthday celebration this weekend to share. stay tuned...
i've fallen back into my addiction with coffee. it's a fantastic thing having a 7-11 on my block. every morning for the past two weeks i've stopped on my way to work for a warm cup of half french vanilla coffee and half vanilla cappuccino. i even bought a coffee maker on my birthday so i can start making my own at home. yum.
i'm going to try to upload pictures from my birthday celebration this weekend to share. stay tuned...
Sunday
06.01.08
i am still so overwhelmed with yesterday that i can't process it into words. i still get choked up when i think about how profoundly blessed i am with the people in my life. each and every person i saw yesterday holds a unique and special place in my heart. i love you!
thank you for making a day i will always cherish...and turning 30 into a celebration of all the blessings i have.
thank you for making a day i will always cherish...and turning 30 into a celebration of all the blessings i have.
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