Saturday
Friday
08.07.09
I'm moving to Oregon. Yep, you read that right, I’m moving. I haven’t been announcing it from the rooftops just yet because, honestly, I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I’m sort of leaving all the major planning up to God so the details are a bit fuzzy. I bet you’re wondering why Oregon (Bend, Oregon, to be exact) and why now. If you know me, you know there are a million different places I’ve wanted to move and have never had the guts to actually do it. But, it’s different this time…
The story begins with desires. The kind of desires God uniquely places in each of us — desires that fuel our hearts and make us who we are — desires to be parents, or to play sports, or to live in New York City and teach dance classes…desires to join the army or to write a book or to surf or to reach out to the homeless.
I have this fun visual of God creating me. He’s standing in front of a huge mixing bowl, wearing a kiss-the-chef apron and measuring out ingredients: one cup of wide-open spaces, a tablespoon of horses, three dashes of music, 1/4 cup adventure, two teaspoons of art, 2/3 cup of service. Each of us are so fearfully and wonderfully made. I love the desires God created me with! But, up until now, I’ve been frustrated because I had no idea what to do with them. I feel like finally it’s all coming together!
Not too long ago, my Godmother mentioned a horse ranch in Bend that her friends took their daughter to for therapy riding. It reminded her of me not only because of my love for horses but because I was born in Bend (we moved away when I was in kindergarten but I’ve been back to visit a handful of times). It wasn’t until a few weeks later when I felt a pull to find out the name of the ranch and learn more about it. I went online to do some research and my heart exploded like fireworks when I went to the Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch web site. God-centered, horses, wide-open spaces, serving, adventure! For years and years and years I’ve been searching and praying and then suddenly, WHAM, my heart locked in on its purpose. I was created to work on that ranch. God gave me the desires of my heart specifically to serve at Crystal Peaks.
It feels a little silly being so certain of something that seems pretty much impossible. I’m sure there are hundreds of people who want to work on the ranch…why would they choose me to be a part of their ministry? I haven’t even met them or seen the ranch! Where will I live? How will I support myself? How will I move up there? It’s scary but I find such joy in the knowledge that this is all up to God. I’m not going to try to control this or stress over it because He’s got this. He will provide miracles to open doors that seem impossible to open. The minute my faith began to waiver, God gave me a Bible verse: “But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” (James 1:6) Recently, I started praying and asking God to give me a specific calling to fulfill the desires in my heart. He answered and gave me Crystal Peaks. My prayer now has been for God to provide a way to get me there. And so, I walk into this with a steady, strong faith that my God has given me these desires for a purpose and He’ll provide a way for them to be. It’s a frightening place to be trusting 100% on Him but it’s also so incredibly exciting!
The story begins with desires. The kind of desires God uniquely places in each of us — desires that fuel our hearts and make us who we are — desires to be parents, or to play sports, or to live in New York City and teach dance classes…desires to join the army or to write a book or to surf or to reach out to the homeless.
I have this fun visual of God creating me. He’s standing in front of a huge mixing bowl, wearing a kiss-the-chef apron and measuring out ingredients: one cup of wide-open spaces, a tablespoon of horses, three dashes of music, 1/4 cup adventure, two teaspoons of art, 2/3 cup of service. Each of us are so fearfully and wonderfully made. I love the desires God created me with! But, up until now, I’ve been frustrated because I had no idea what to do with them. I feel like finally it’s all coming together!
Not too long ago, my Godmother mentioned a horse ranch in Bend that her friends took their daughter to for therapy riding. It reminded her of me not only because of my love for horses but because I was born in Bend (we moved away when I was in kindergarten but I’ve been back to visit a handful of times). It wasn’t until a few weeks later when I felt a pull to find out the name of the ranch and learn more about it. I went online to do some research and my heart exploded like fireworks when I went to the Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch web site. God-centered, horses, wide-open spaces, serving, adventure! For years and years and years I’ve been searching and praying and then suddenly, WHAM, my heart locked in on its purpose. I was created to work on that ranch. God gave me the desires of my heart specifically to serve at Crystal Peaks.
It feels a little silly being so certain of something that seems pretty much impossible. I’m sure there are hundreds of people who want to work on the ranch…why would they choose me to be a part of their ministry? I haven’t even met them or seen the ranch! Where will I live? How will I support myself? How will I move up there? It’s scary but I find such joy in the knowledge that this is all up to God. I’m not going to try to control this or stress over it because He’s got this. He will provide miracles to open doors that seem impossible to open. The minute my faith began to waiver, God gave me a Bible verse: “But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” (James 1:6) Recently, I started praying and asking God to give me a specific calling to fulfill the desires in my heart. He answered and gave me Crystal Peaks. My prayer now has been for God to provide a way to get me there. And so, I walk into this with a steady, strong faith that my God has given me these desires for a purpose and He’ll provide a way for them to be. It’s a frightening place to be trusting 100% on Him but it’s also so incredibly exciting!
Thursday
08.06.09
I was walking Jake last night and passed by a Hispanic man who I’ve seen a few times on the trail. He’s always walking with weights and swinging them back and forth with this huge smile on his face. Last night he passed by me and said, “Happy good day” with his giant grin. It made me smile so much that I prayed to God and thanked him for creating that man and using him to bless people with his smile. Happy Good Day!
Tuesday
08.05.09
Lately I've been feeling a pull toward living more simply....less empty distractions, less trendy clothes, less buying, less clutter of knick-knacks around the house, less time on the computer...more friends over for home-cooked dinners, more taking Jake to the park to play frisbee and read in the shade of a tree, more pen and ink sketches instead of watching movies, more reading books instead of wandering Facebook, more praying instead of hunting the internet for more music to buy, more guitar instead of thumbing through celebrity gossip magazines...I could go on and on.
I feel like I need to get rid of all the junk food in my life.
I feel like I need to get rid of all the junk food in my life.
Wednesday
Tuesday
Sunday
07.26.09
I'm starting to adjust a little with having Jake. We drove down to n.county to see Sara and it wasn't too hard finding a place to eat where dogs were allowed. Sara didn't mind having him in her living room and he even road in the back of her nice, clean truck with his face out the window, watching the beach as we drove by the coast. I managed to break away today for church and to catch a movie with friends...then we took Jake to the park for frisbee. I'm discovering that having a dog isn't the end of my social life, it's just an adjustment. I'll definitely be hanging out more with people who don't mind Jake being a part of the scene.
Every day, even on the hard ones, I look at this face and realize that he's such a gift. I couldn't think of a more perfect dog for me.
Every day, even on the hard ones, I look at this face and realize that he's such a gift. I couldn't think of a more perfect dog for me.
Thursday
07.23.09
Having a dog isn't such a hard thing...but having a cattle dog is another story! Jake has a never-ending amount of energy. I play with him in the morning before work, take him for a 30-minute walk during my lunch break and take him for an hour walk when I get home...not to mention the random games of fetch, running through the orange grove..and today I even kicked it up a notch and got on a bike and raced down the street with him galloping next to me. Even that isn't enough...
Tonight I tried to take a 15-minute break to read and he was right there in my face, begging to do something. I just got back from playing another game of fetch with him and he's outside whining at the door with the stick still in his mouth. My entire life these days is dog and work, work and dog. I'm definitely getting fitter from all the walking but I'm so tired and want so badly to go have a margarita and chips and salsa with friends and just relax and not worry that sweet Jake is home alone needing attention. It would be different if I wasn't working (weekends are great with Jake) but the weekdays just aren't enough for him. It's not like I'm neglecting him but I feel like I just can't give him what he needs.
I'm going back and forth about giving Jake to my uncle. His family loves Jake (who wouldn't, he's such an amazing dog) but I wonder if they'll be able to provide the exercise and attention he needs. They have kids and soon they'll be in school all day and getting more involved in after-school activities, which will definitely take time away from Jake. Having a big backyard isn't what Jake needs -- he already has that. He needs lots of physical and mental exercises. I just don't know what to do. He's such a cool dog and I have these fabulous ideas of training him to be a therapy dog and also doing agility with him...but where does my social life come in?
Perfect example: Saturday I'm going to n.county to hang out with Sara. Jake is coming so he won't be home alone. We can't see a movie and probably can't do brunch at the harbor unless dogs are allowed on the patio. The day will revolve around what we can do with a dog. I just want to be a human again.
The view I got tonight while trying to read:
Tonight I tried to take a 15-minute break to read and he was right there in my face, begging to do something. I just got back from playing another game of fetch with him and he's outside whining at the door with the stick still in his mouth. My entire life these days is dog and work, work and dog. I'm definitely getting fitter from all the walking but I'm so tired and want so badly to go have a margarita and chips and salsa with friends and just relax and not worry that sweet Jake is home alone needing attention. It would be different if I wasn't working (weekends are great with Jake) but the weekdays just aren't enough for him. It's not like I'm neglecting him but I feel like I just can't give him what he needs.
I'm going back and forth about giving Jake to my uncle. His family loves Jake (who wouldn't, he's such an amazing dog) but I wonder if they'll be able to provide the exercise and attention he needs. They have kids and soon they'll be in school all day and getting more involved in after-school activities, which will definitely take time away from Jake. Having a big backyard isn't what Jake needs -- he already has that. He needs lots of physical and mental exercises. I just don't know what to do. He's such a cool dog and I have these fabulous ideas of training him to be a therapy dog and also doing agility with him...but where does my social life come in?
Perfect example: Saturday I'm going to n.county to hang out with Sara. Jake is coming so he won't be home alone. We can't see a movie and probably can't do brunch at the harbor unless dogs are allowed on the patio. The day will revolve around what we can do with a dog. I just want to be a human again.
The view I got tonight while trying to read:
Tuesday
Friday
Thursday
07.16.09 P.S.
An e-mail I sent to my cousin. It's pretty much all about Jake's first 24 hours home:
When I got to the shelter on Tuesday morning they took him out and said the computer was wrong and the “she” turned out to be a “he”. He was the coolest dog but was so wound up and mouthy and jumping everywhere. My arms were covered in red, sloppy welts from him mouthing me (he was gentle but still!) and he wouldn’t hold still for a second. I talked to three people about him and each one said they saw him they day he came in and think he’s the coolest dog. I asked the handler if they ever let them out in the dog run and she said no…so I decided most of the hyper attitude was due to the fact that there’s this 8-month old puppy (known to be a hyper breed too) stuck for 3-4 days without exercise. I had to either keep him there or take the chance that he’s a good dog after he gets a good dose of exercise. After seeing how he was stuck in a cell with four other dogs, I decided to take him.
I saw him at 11 am but wasn’t allowed to pick him up until 4:30 that afternoon. I was actually supposed to pick him up the next day, but because he was already neutered and microchipped they snuck him in for vaccinations that day. So, I spent the day shopping at Petsmart and Target and napping in my car. When I finally got him he was a bundle of energy so we ran around and around the parking lot until he was a panting, slobbery, happy mess. It seems like his past owners didn’t teach him anything…he doesn’t know how to walk on a leash or any basic commands. Green as green can be. He knows what a car is though and as soon as I opened the door he jumped right in. By the time we were on the freeway he already learned to stay laying down in his seat. As soon as he’d try to get up I’d just snap my finger by his paws and say down and he’d lay back down. By the end of the ride home I’d just say “AH” when he’d try to move around and he’d instantly lay back down. SMART SMART dog.
When we got home I discovered not only does he not know any basic commands, but he was also not taught that jumping up and snapping is not allowed. I have a pretty sore spot on my chin from him jumping up and mouthing at my face in excitement. By the end of the evening he already knows that’s not acceptable. Like I said, incredibly smart dog! He’s learning SO fast! He’s crate trained and LOVES to play fetch. He’s even getting good enough to sometimes catch his flying-squirrel Frisbee in mid air. I can’t wait to take him to dog beach. I took him to my Mom’s last night and he is great with kids and other dogs. Rocky growled and bit and him and Jake could have cared less. He’s calm around the kids after he gets a good run, so that’s great. He even leaves my cats alone (supervised…not ready to let him alone with them, if ever).
He's a good dog.
When I got to the shelter on Tuesday morning they took him out and said the computer was wrong and the “she” turned out to be a “he”. He was the coolest dog but was so wound up and mouthy and jumping everywhere. My arms were covered in red, sloppy welts from him mouthing me (he was gentle but still!) and he wouldn’t hold still for a second. I talked to three people about him and each one said they saw him they day he came in and think he’s the coolest dog. I asked the handler if they ever let them out in the dog run and she said no…so I decided most of the hyper attitude was due to the fact that there’s this 8-month old puppy (known to be a hyper breed too) stuck for 3-4 days without exercise. I had to either keep him there or take the chance that he’s a good dog after he gets a good dose of exercise. After seeing how he was stuck in a cell with four other dogs, I decided to take him.
I saw him at 11 am but wasn’t allowed to pick him up until 4:30 that afternoon. I was actually supposed to pick him up the next day, but because he was already neutered and microchipped they snuck him in for vaccinations that day. So, I spent the day shopping at Petsmart and Target and napping in my car. When I finally got him he was a bundle of energy so we ran around and around the parking lot until he was a panting, slobbery, happy mess. It seems like his past owners didn’t teach him anything…he doesn’t know how to walk on a leash or any basic commands. Green as green can be. He knows what a car is though and as soon as I opened the door he jumped right in. By the time we were on the freeway he already learned to stay laying down in his seat. As soon as he’d try to get up I’d just snap my finger by his paws and say down and he’d lay back down. By the end of the ride home I’d just say “AH” when he’d try to move around and he’d instantly lay back down. SMART SMART dog.
When we got home I discovered not only does he not know any basic commands, but he was also not taught that jumping up and snapping is not allowed. I have a pretty sore spot on my chin from him jumping up and mouthing at my face in excitement. By the end of the evening he already knows that’s not acceptable. Like I said, incredibly smart dog! He’s learning SO fast! He’s crate trained and LOVES to play fetch. He’s even getting good enough to sometimes catch his flying-squirrel Frisbee in mid air. I can’t wait to take him to dog beach. I took him to my Mom’s last night and he is great with kids and other dogs. Rocky growled and bit and him and Jake could have cared less. He’s calm around the kids after he gets a good run, so that’s great. He even leaves my cats alone (supervised…not ready to let him alone with them, if ever).
He's a good dog.
07.16.09
Good news. As always, I freak out first then actually sit down and think things through later.
I'm going to give it a try with Jake. He's a rad dog. I just need to look into maybe having him go to doggy day care a couple days a week. Also, once the fence gets up at my uncles house, Kevin said I'd be able to drop him off there while I'm at work so he can run through the orange grove with the kids and play with Neko (Kevin's dog).
...and if my dreams come true and I end up moving to Oregon and working on a horse ranch, well, Jake is coming with me.
One of these days I'll slow down and think things through before freaking out. :)
I'm going to give it a try with Jake. He's a rad dog. I just need to look into maybe having him go to doggy day care a couple days a week. Also, once the fence gets up at my uncles house, Kevin said I'd be able to drop him off there while I'm at work so he can run through the orange grove with the kids and play with Neko (Kevin's dog).
...and if my dreams come true and I end up moving to Oregon and working on a horse ranch, well, Jake is coming with me.
One of these days I'll slow down and think things through before freaking out. :)
Wednesday
07.15.09
What did I get myself into? I got the dog from the shelter. She turned out to be a he...a very happy, very loving, very hyper and young he. Eight months old and not a lick of training (although, thankfully, he's good in the crate at night). In the first 24 hours he's been here he's learned not to jump up in excitement and bite faces (I have a bruised chin from one incident), to lay down in the car, to wait and not rush through the gate when I open it, to not jump up on people...really, it's amazing how eager this guy is to learn. His name is Jake. He's a very cool dog.
I'm just feeling extreme guilt for leaving him alone for 8-9 hours a day when I'm at work. He doesn't want to leave my side. He wants to be active. He wants to learn. He wants company. When I'm at work he'll be alone. My family loves him and tells me to keep him and that, "he's just a dog...he'll be fine in the backyard by himself." My argument is that he's not "just a dog" - he's one of the smartest, most active breeds. It's cruelty to leave him alone for that long. He's a working dog...he needs a family that's home and can play with him off and on all day, or even better, a ranch to work on. I don't know what I was thinking. It's not fair to him to sit all day and wait for me to come home. It's selfish on my part.
So, I sent an e-mail to the cattledog rescue group to see if they know a family who can foster him or give him a home. I'm keeping him until then...I'll keep on working to train him (poor little guy wasn't even trained to sit) and play frisbee (his favorite game) with him when I get home from work.
I feel awful. I've been plagued with guilt all day today. The only good thing out of this is that I took him out of that awful shelter.
Monday
07.13.09
Tomorrow morning I'm heading to the shelter in Downey to see the cattledog. I called this morning to get more information. She's 9 months old and was handed over by her owners (jerks!). They weren't able to tell me if people were on the waiting list...which means I may get there and someone will already be taking her home. I am really trying not to set myself up for disappointment but at the same time I can't help but be hopeful. I hate this. I don't know how much more of it I can take. She's dog number four...
Sunday
Saturday
07.11.09
I finally heard back from the rescue group that has Emma. They said I could come see her today and take her home to see if she's good with cats...and if she isn't I'd be able to hand her back over. I was so excited yesterday and very optimistic that she'd do just great with the cats. I even bought her this pretty, rainbow-colored collar and lime-green leash to match. I could barely fall asleep last night I was so excited. I should be used to disappointment by now...but the e-mail I got this morning made me cry anyway. The rescue told me that someone else was coming out today to see Emma (who apparently turned in their application before me) and that if it doesn't work out they would call me. She seems too sweet for it not to work out...
Thursday
07.09.09
My Mom and I visited Stars today. She's such a sweet thing but I'm worried she'll be dog aggressive (both pits and jindos are known to be). My heart breaks for her but I still keep thinking about Emma! So, I'm going to wait and stalk the rescue on Saturday at Petco in hopes that Emma will be there.
Wednesday
07.08.09 P.S.
I went to see a dog at the local shelter today. I kept going back to her when I was searching online for dogs and thought I might as well visit her since she's pretty much right down the street. She's labeled as an 11-month-old pit mix but when I talked to a worker she said she seems to have more Jindo in her (which, by the way, is another awesome Japanese breed like a Shiba only bigger). So, I sat on the outside of the cell and cooed and scratched her neck for a good 15-20 minutes. She put her head on the door and let me pet her until her eyes closed and she started to fall asleep. I'm taking an early lunch tomorrow to go back with my Mom for a second opinion and to take her out of the cage and see how she does. I'm fearful she's dog aggressive or eats cats or small children. First impression tells me she's too sweet for that though.
P.S. They call her Stars, which might be a sign considering I used to love stars so much my nickname was Jesika Starr.
P.S. They call her Stars, which might be a sign considering I used to love stars so much my nickname was Jesika Starr.
07.08.09
I still haven't heard back on the dogs. If I don't hear from the rescue by Saturday I'm going to Petco where they set up a booth once a week and talk to them. I'm not giving up yet!
I even found a collar for my dog:
check it out
I even found a collar for my dog:
check it out
Tuesday
07.07.09
Still no word back from the rescue organization on Emma. I sent a follow-up e-mail yesterday. I found another dog I want to meet too (from the same organization). His name is Oakley and he looks like trouble! He's a little younger (10 months) and is such a fun little guy:
Thursday
07.02.09
Better judgment finally got the best of me. I realized getting Phoenix isn’t a smart idea. He is super cute but really, really pricy (issue number one) and a puppy is a lot of work (issue number two). I was a weeping mess on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning because I was so disappointed. Amazing how attached I was to the idea of having him!
I still want a dog though…badly! I sent an e-mail to a rescue organization in Anaheim about this pretty girl:
She’s my favorite breed of dog (Australian Cattledog) and from her profile she seems really sweet. Her name is Emma. I hope they e-mail me back soon…I want to meet her this weekend! (cross your fingers she doesn’t eat cats)
I still want a dog though…badly! I sent an e-mail to a rescue organization in Anaheim about this pretty girl:
She’s my favorite breed of dog (Australian Cattledog) and from her profile she seems really sweet. Her name is Emma. I hope they e-mail me back soon…I want to meet her this weekend! (cross your fingers she doesn’t eat cats)
Tuesday
06.30.09
I'm going out the weekend of July 11-12 to pick up Phoenix and bring him back home. SO EXCITED!
Monday
06.29.09
I've been in communication with a Shiba Inu breeder in Arizona. They have a puppy and they sent pictures, along with pictures of his parents and grandparents. I'm in love. I already feel like he's mine. I talked with the breeder today to see if they could go down in price and am waiting to hear back from them. I'm so anxious right now...checking my phone and e-mail about every ten minutes.
Here's a picture of him. I think I want to name him Phoenix...
Here's a picture of him. I think I want to name him Phoenix...
Thursday
06.25.09 P.S.
My sister e-mailed me to tell me about a dream she had last night...about me. It's funny!
"I have to tell you about my dream last night - I woke up this morning and laughed when I remembered it. You got a new job as a door-to-door salesperson selling screen door/window repair kits. You came to me asking if I wanted to buy one and I did b/c in my dream I needed to repair my screen on my sliding back door. I was really funny!"
"I have to tell you about my dream last night - I woke up this morning and laughed when I remembered it. You got a new job as a door-to-door salesperson selling screen door/window repair kits. You came to me asking if I wanted to buy one and I did b/c in my dream I needed to repair my screen on my sliding back door. I was really funny!"
Wednesday
06.24.09
http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm
Results of your Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz
You scored a total of 92
It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately.
I like how they bolded "immediately". Maybe I should get my brain checked out.
Results of your Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz
You scored a total of 92
It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately.
I like how they bolded "immediately". Maybe I should get my brain checked out.
Tuesday
06.23.09
Walking into work doesn't make me happy...but sometimes when I walk into my cube I get hit by a little ray of happiness. There's so many fun toys and pictures and colors in my cube that it's hard not to smile about it all.
My newest additions are a rainbow Koosh ball I bought yesterday for $5 from a coworker (they don't make them anymore!) and a little cactus dog (and it's sidekick) from CC:
My newest additions are a rainbow Koosh ball I bought yesterday for $5 from a coworker (they don't make them anymore!) and a little cactus dog (and it's sidekick) from CC:
Thursday
06.18.09
Growing up I had a very hard time focusing on one thing. My mind would be filled with an array of random thoughts, sounds, colors and daydreams. I had a pretty vivid imagination – things came alive in my head. I’d get bored staying in one place or subject for too long. I was never able to hold still for more than a couple minutes – I’d end up twirling a pen through my fingers, twitching my foot, curling a strand of hair around my finger, chewing gum, crossing and uncrossing my legs, etc. When I was in high school and random college classes, every bit of blank space on my notes were filled with doodles. There was so much energy and things going on in my head that needed to get out. I forgot names and things people would say almost as soon as it was out of their mouths, being replaced by some other thought that popped into my head. I always thought it was some funny phase that I’d grow out of…but nothing has changed.
Just last night I had a guitar lesson and halfway through the song I lost my place because my mind started to wander. We tried the song again and it took every ounce of concentration for me to make it through the entire song without losing focus. It’s always been a joke among my friends that I have ADD but I’m at the point where I’m pretty confident in saying I really, truly have it. I’ve gone this long without treating it, should I even look into taking something for it now? I have to say, I’m curious to see what it would be like to have a focused conversation with a person…or to have a day at work where I’m not bouncing back and forth from five different things at once…or to play a song all the way through and not get distracted and lose concentration…or sit in a meeting and not cover my notes with doodles and images spinning in my head…or to actually remember the names of people or the paragraph I just read in a book…or to be able to sit down and stay quiet and not feel anxious. I wonder what it would be like to feel smart…to feel composed…to feel focused. Maybe I’ll make an appointment…
Just last night I had a guitar lesson and halfway through the song I lost my place because my mind started to wander. We tried the song again and it took every ounce of concentration for me to make it through the entire song without losing focus. It’s always been a joke among my friends that I have ADD but I’m at the point where I’m pretty confident in saying I really, truly have it. I’ve gone this long without treating it, should I even look into taking something for it now? I have to say, I’m curious to see what it would be like to have a focused conversation with a person…or to have a day at work where I’m not bouncing back and forth from five different things at once…or to play a song all the way through and not get distracted and lose concentration…or sit in a meeting and not cover my notes with doodles and images spinning in my head…or to actually remember the names of people or the paragraph I just read in a book…or to be able to sit down and stay quiet and not feel anxious. I wonder what it would be like to feel smart…to feel composed…to feel focused. Maybe I’ll make an appointment…
Wednesday
05.17.09
When I finally get my place in the country I'll have to live next to a river so I can befriend a river otter. Look how cute and comical they are!
Sunday
05.14.09
I took a road trip up to Pismo Beach and back with Sara this weekend. It felt great to take in deep breaths of fresh air, be surrounded by wide-open spaces and huge skies, and laugh with my friend until our stomachs hurt. It never fails though...I'm tremendously blue today. It hit hard on the drive back home as soon as we got stuck in LA traffic. No more wide-open spaces. All day today I've felt like I can't breathe...like the city is pressing in on me.
I just don't understand it. Why can't I settle down and accept where God's put me? Why do places like this call out to me so strongly?
I just don't understand it. Why can't I settle down and accept where God's put me? Why do places like this call out to me so strongly?
Wednesday
05.10.09
Wednesday morning office happiness is:
Finding a cup of coffee, from my Uncle, on my desk when I first walk in
Listening to Eyes by Rouge Wave and wrapping my hands around a warm mug of peppermint tea
Sharing fun, random e-mails with CC and Linda
Walking past a window and seeing a thick blanket of grey clouds
Realizing I have a pretty awesome cube full of fun pictures, coloring books and a little bamboo plant
Finding peace in the fact God has me here, in this very specific place, at this very specific moment, for a very specific reason
On another note...I saw this single flower growing at my Moms -- around dead weeds and sidewalk. I thought the contrast was pretty neat (and so is the flower!) so I took a picture with my phone:
Finding a cup of coffee, from my Uncle, on my desk when I first walk in
Listening to Eyes by Rouge Wave and wrapping my hands around a warm mug of peppermint tea
Sharing fun, random e-mails with CC and Linda
Walking past a window and seeing a thick blanket of grey clouds
Realizing I have a pretty awesome cube full of fun pictures, coloring books and a little bamboo plant
Finding peace in the fact God has me here, in this very specific place, at this very specific moment, for a very specific reason
On another note...I saw this single flower growing at my Moms -- around dead weeds and sidewalk. I thought the contrast was pretty neat (and so is the flower!) so I took a picture with my phone:
06.03.09
Well, I'm 31 today. I actually kept forgetting my birthday this year. I think it's because last year I fretted so much that this year I did the complete opposite. Let me tell you, either way it still happens!
I woke up a little after 2 o'clock this morning to the sound of thunder. It started off in the distance but didn't take long before it seemed like lightning and thunder were striking down in my backyard. A flash of white would burst and a blink of an eye later came the boom of thunder. Car alarms went off and I could hear neighbors saying, "Wow!" I had my window open and laid in bed with this grin of awe and wonder on my face. It was a beautiful storm! I could even hear the rain start off in the distance and get louder and louder until it fell right over my house. The cool breeze drafted in and I could hear God telling me, "This year I will be in your life like this storm. Loud, big, bright, powerful and it's going to shake everything around you." WOW! What a way to bring in a new year!!!
My collection of crayon giraffes from my Refuge girls is complete. I got Lori's today. I think I'm going to frame them...they make me so happy:
I woke up a little after 2 o'clock this morning to the sound of thunder. It started off in the distance but didn't take long before it seemed like lightning and thunder were striking down in my backyard. A flash of white would burst and a blink of an eye later came the boom of thunder. Car alarms went off and I could hear neighbors saying, "Wow!" I had my window open and laid in bed with this grin of awe and wonder on my face. It was a beautiful storm! I could even hear the rain start off in the distance and get louder and louder until it fell right over my house. The cool breeze drafted in and I could hear God telling me, "This year I will be in your life like this storm. Loud, big, bright, powerful and it's going to shake everything around you." WOW! What a way to bring in a new year!!!
My collection of crayon giraffes from my Refuge girls is complete. I got Lori's today. I think I'm going to frame them...they make me so happy:
Monday
Thursday
05.28.09
While cleaning up from Jr. High last night, the worship leader (and my new guitar teacher) was wrapping up the chords on stage and said, "Hey Jesika! By next month you'll be playing up on stage!" I stumbled over my words, warning him I'll either cry or faint or both. Of course, the cure to stage fright is to throw me up on stage...and I want to get over this fear…but I might really, truly cry up there. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even be singing, just strumming away on backup, but the thought still makes my palms sweat and my knees shake. My first thought was that I could take a couple shots of alcohol for liquid courage (it’s crazy how old thoughts still surface) but I pushed the idea away and realized that God is using this to show me how to let go and depend on Him. (and how cool is it that He’s using music to teach me?!)
Fear is starting to really lose its grip on me. I’ve been in the thick of battle with it for awhile now. Just last night, before Jr. High started, the youth pastor asked me to pray for the team. He even gave me an out, which I almost took (praying out loud is extremely hard for me -- my mind freezes in fear and anxiety sets in), but I stepped it up and prayed. It was short, clumsy and plain, but I was so happy God gave me the opportunity to fight against my anxiety. He’s growing me so much lately! I bet one day soon fear won't have a hold on me at all! :)
Fear is starting to really lose its grip on me. I’ve been in the thick of battle with it for awhile now. Just last night, before Jr. High started, the youth pastor asked me to pray for the team. He even gave me an out, which I almost took (praying out loud is extremely hard for me -- my mind freezes in fear and anxiety sets in), but I stepped it up and prayed. It was short, clumsy and plain, but I was so happy God gave me the opportunity to fight against my anxiety. He’s growing me so much lately! I bet one day soon fear won't have a hold on me at all! :)
Wednesday
05.27.09 P.S.
I took a personality test the other day. CC took it too and sent me a section from hers and a section from mine with the comment, "wow." It's pretty right on. Here's the section of mine she sent to me:
INFPs feel internal turmoil when they find themselves in situations in which there is conflict between their inner code of ethics and their relationships with others. They feel caught between pleasing others and maintaining their own integrity. Their natural tendency to identify with others, compounded with their self-sacrificial dispositions, tends to leave them confused as to who they really are. Their quiet personalities further feeds their feelings of depersonalization. The INFP's quest for self-identity then seems even more alluring — but increasingly impossible to attain.
I guess that explains why I'm always changing and never quite settling?
INFPs feel internal turmoil when they find themselves in situations in which there is conflict between their inner code of ethics and their relationships with others. They feel caught between pleasing others and maintaining their own integrity. Their natural tendency to identify with others, compounded with their self-sacrificial dispositions, tends to leave them confused as to who they really are. Their quiet personalities further feeds their feelings of depersonalization. The INFP's quest for self-identity then seems even more alluring — but increasingly impossible to attain.
I guess that explains why I'm always changing and never quite settling?
05.27.09
I wish my passion was consistent. I wish that when I'm inspired by something the inspiration doesn't slowly fade away until I'm right back where I was in the beginning. I wish the passion stayed with me and I made changes. I get so overwhelmed and on fire for something (most recently, while reading Irresistible Revolution, I wanted to sell all my meaningless possessions and give the money to the poor) and then I sink right back into the same old ways of living. It's sad when I think of all the changes and growth I could be going through if I just did a quarter of the things that inspire and light me up.
Thursday
05.21.09
Things I want to start doing again:
- Taking photographs
- Exercising, with weights
- Wearing hippie skirts
- Being excited about the sky
- Finding quiet time to read
- Creating pen and ink sketches
- Taking risks
- Sleeping as many hours as my body needs
- Yoga
- Letting my guard down
- Catching local shows
- Writing
- Taking photographs
- Exercising, with weights
- Wearing hippie skirts
- Being excited about the sky
- Finding quiet time to read
- Creating pen and ink sketches
- Taking risks
- Sleeping as many hours as my body needs
- Yoga
- Letting my guard down
- Catching local shows
- Writing
Wednesday
Tuesday
05.19.09 P.S.
I knew this was going to happen. It happens every single time I come back from Texas (or any wide-opens space, for that matter). I’m struggling to understand why God created me with these deep desires but hasn’t provided a way to fill them. I feel like the past 10+ years I’ve lived in waiting and aching. I keep thinking that it’s just right around the corner…that if I’m patient for just another year God will open the door to my desires -- He’ll send me to the countryside, bring me romance, call me to share His love through horses and art and music! I’ve kept busy with things in attempt to ignore the waiting and the desire but it’s heavy. It’s scary. What if I'm waiting and aching for something that will never come?
On Saturday I took Titan out for a little ride near Carrie's house. It was drizzling out but the air was warm. I threw a bridle and bareback pad on Titan and rode him down the deserted street. Trees lined the road behind and in front of us and it felt like we were miles and miles away from civilzation, rain fell in soft streaks, cardinals swooped across the road, Titan's steady rythm of hoof beats echoed and when I listened I could hear the fall of rain on the leaves...I was in absolute heaven. When I got back to the house, Charles came out with his fancy camera and took a picture (I was completely and totally HAPPY):
On Saturday I took Titan out for a little ride near Carrie's house. It was drizzling out but the air was warm. I threw a bridle and bareback pad on Titan and rode him down the deserted street. Trees lined the road behind and in front of us and it felt like we were miles and miles away from civilzation, rain fell in soft streaks, cardinals swooped across the road, Titan's steady rythm of hoof beats echoed and when I listened I could hear the fall of rain on the leaves...I was in absolute heaven. When I got back to the house, Charles came out with his fancy camera and took a picture (I was completely and totally HAPPY):
05.19.09
I'm halfway through The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne and can't get over how much his words jump out at me. I'm feeling convicted. I want to share some of them (some of these are actually quotes from other people that he mentions in his book)...
We do indeed have a God of resurrection, a God who can create beauty from the messes we make of our world.
The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obligated to act accordingly.
We are called not to be successful but to be faithful.
We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it.
We can do all sorts of miracles, but if we have not love, it is nothing.
With the most sincere hearts, we do not want to see anyone walk away from Jesus because of the discomfort of his cross, so we clip the claws of the Lion a little, we clean up a bit the bloody Passion we are called to follow.
Yet over and over in the Scriptures, Jesus warns people of the cost of discipleship, that it will cost them everything they have ever hoped for and believed in -- their biological families, their possessions, even their lives. He warns them to count to cost before putting their hand to the plow. And Jesus allows people to walk away.
God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable.
Do not worry about your career. Concern yourself with your vocation, and that is to be lovers of Jesus.
We've taken the blood at the foot of the cross and turned it into Kool-Aid.
So I did a little survey, probing Christians about their conceptions of Jesus. It was fun just to see how many people think Jesus loved homosexuals or ate kosher. But I learned a striking thing from the survey. I asked participants who claimed to be "strong followers of Jesus" whether Jesus spent time with the poor. Nearly 80% said yes. Later in the survey, I sneaked in another question. I asked this same group of strong followers whether they spent time with the poor, and less than 2% said they did. I learned a powerful lesson: We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor.
Yet I am convinced that Jesus came not to just prepare us to die but to teach us how to live.
Today the church is tempted by the spectacular, to do big, miraculous things so people might believe, but Jesus has called us to littleness and compares our revolution to the little mustard seed, to yeast making its way through dough, slowly infecting this dark world with love.
In fact, if our lives are easy, we must be doing something wrong.
Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer. This love is not sentimental but heart-wrenching, the most difficult and the most beautiful thing in the world.
There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God's call. And I would add there are many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose, and they just run to the mission filed to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their gifts and those of the people they live among. Both lead to emptiness and burnout.
Economists predict that within the next decade, the leading cause of violence and war will be not oil but water.
Tithes, tax-exempt donations, and short-term mission trips, while they accomplish some good, can also function as outlets that allow us to appease our consciences and still remain a safe distance from the poor.
Writing a check makes us feel good and can fool us into thinking that we have loved the poor. But seeing the squat houses and tent cities and hungry children will transform our lives.
Live simply that others may simply live.
When we talk of materialism and simplicity, we must always being with love for God and neighbor, otherwise we're operating out of little more than legalistic, guilt-ridden self-righteousness.
It also becomes scandalous for the church to spend money on windows and buildings when some family members don't even have water.
Redistribution is a description of what happens when people fall in love with each other across class lines.
Certainly the thirty-five thousand children starving to death today need not fast to connect to God. Rather we need to fast in order to connect to them and to God.
Poverty was created not by God but by you and me, because we have not learned to love our neighbors as ourselves.
I'm convinced God did no mess up and make too many people and not enough stuff. Poverty was created not by God but by you and me, because we have not learned to love our neighbors as ourselves. Gandhi put it well when he said, "There is enough for everyone's need, but there is not enough for everyone's greed." One of the first commands given to our biblical ancestors (even before the Big 10) while they were stuck in the middle of the wilderness somewhere between Pharaoh's empire and the Promised Land was this: each one was to gather only as much they needed (Exodus 16:16). In the story of the exodus, God rains down manna from heaven and assures the Israelites that there will be enough. When they save some for the next day, God sends maggots to destroy their stockpile. (Maybe we need some maggots today.) They are ordered to carry with them on omer of manna (about three pounds) as a symbol of their daily providence of bread. Of course, we hear the subtle echoes of this in the Lord's Prayer as we are taught to pray for our daily bread. (To pray for "my" daily bread is a desecration; we are to pray for "our" daily bread, for all of us.) Over and over, we hear the promise that if we take only what we need, there will be enough.
We cannot say we love God and pass by our hungry neighbor.
We do indeed have a God of resurrection, a God who can create beauty from the messes we make of our world.
The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obligated to act accordingly.
We are called not to be successful but to be faithful.
We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it.
We can do all sorts of miracles, but if we have not love, it is nothing.
With the most sincere hearts, we do not want to see anyone walk away from Jesus because of the discomfort of his cross, so we clip the claws of the Lion a little, we clean up a bit the bloody Passion we are called to follow.
Yet over and over in the Scriptures, Jesus warns people of the cost of discipleship, that it will cost them everything they have ever hoped for and believed in -- their biological families, their possessions, even their lives. He warns them to count to cost before putting their hand to the plow. And Jesus allows people to walk away.
God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable.
Do not worry about your career. Concern yourself with your vocation, and that is to be lovers of Jesus.
We've taken the blood at the foot of the cross and turned it into Kool-Aid.
So I did a little survey, probing Christians about their conceptions of Jesus. It was fun just to see how many people think Jesus loved homosexuals or ate kosher. But I learned a striking thing from the survey. I asked participants who claimed to be "strong followers of Jesus" whether Jesus spent time with the poor. Nearly 80% said yes. Later in the survey, I sneaked in another question. I asked this same group of strong followers whether they spent time with the poor, and less than 2% said they did. I learned a powerful lesson: We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy in the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor.
Yet I am convinced that Jesus came not to just prepare us to die but to teach us how to live.
Today the church is tempted by the spectacular, to do big, miraculous things so people might believe, but Jesus has called us to littleness and compares our revolution to the little mustard seed, to yeast making its way through dough, slowly infecting this dark world with love.
In fact, if our lives are easy, we must be doing something wrong.
Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer. This love is not sentimental but heart-wrenching, the most difficult and the most beautiful thing in the world.
There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God's call. And I would add there are many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose, and they just run to the mission filed to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their gifts and those of the people they live among. Both lead to emptiness and burnout.
Economists predict that within the next decade, the leading cause of violence and war will be not oil but water.
Tithes, tax-exempt donations, and short-term mission trips, while they accomplish some good, can also function as outlets that allow us to appease our consciences and still remain a safe distance from the poor.
Writing a check makes us feel good and can fool us into thinking that we have loved the poor. But seeing the squat houses and tent cities and hungry children will transform our lives.
Live simply that others may simply live.
When we talk of materialism and simplicity, we must always being with love for God and neighbor, otherwise we're operating out of little more than legalistic, guilt-ridden self-righteousness.
It also becomes scandalous for the church to spend money on windows and buildings when some family members don't even have water.
Redistribution is a description of what happens when people fall in love with each other across class lines.
Certainly the thirty-five thousand children starving to death today need not fast to connect to God. Rather we need to fast in order to connect to them and to God.
Poverty was created not by God but by you and me, because we have not learned to love our neighbors as ourselves.
I'm convinced God did no mess up and make too many people and not enough stuff. Poverty was created not by God but by you and me, because we have not learned to love our neighbors as ourselves. Gandhi put it well when he said, "There is enough for everyone's need, but there is not enough for everyone's greed." One of the first commands given to our biblical ancestors (even before the Big 10) while they were stuck in the middle of the wilderness somewhere between Pharaoh's empire and the Promised Land was this: each one was to gather only as much they needed (Exodus 16:16). In the story of the exodus, God rains down manna from heaven and assures the Israelites that there will be enough. When they save some for the next day, God sends maggots to destroy their stockpile. (Maybe we need some maggots today.) They are ordered to carry with them on omer of manna (about three pounds) as a symbol of their daily providence of bread. Of course, we hear the subtle echoes of this in the Lord's Prayer as we are taught to pray for our daily bread. (To pray for "my" daily bread is a desecration; we are to pray for "our" daily bread, for all of us.) Over and over, we hear the promise that if we take only what we need, there will be enough.
We cannot say we love God and pass by our hungry neighbor.
Friday
05.15.09
I'm flying to Texas today! It's going to be amazing meeting Jack for the first time. I’m still having a hard believing that my best childhood friend is a Mom now. The world is spinning way too fast! I still remember when we were kids (well, kids in middle school) riding horses back in the hills, without a care in the world. Soon enough, Jack’s going to be off having his own adventures. Wow. It’s so big I can’t even take it in!
I’m also super excited to spend time with Carrie and, of course, NORMAN! He’s turning three this year!
I’m also super excited to spend time with Carrie and, of course, NORMAN! He’s turning three this year!
Monday
05.11.09
Bringing a guitar to work is embarrassing! I have a lesson with Taps after work today and don't want to leave my guitar in the hot sun -- having a guitar in my cubicle is awkward...in a cool, rock-star kinda way. I've been getting such a kick out of playing lately. I played so much on Saturday that I had a blister on one of my fingers.
Wednesday
05.06.09 P.S.
My uncle was walking by the outside of my cube today and put the camera over the wall and flashed away. Attached is the outcome. I think the expression explains it all!
05.06.09
Last night I played Frisbee at the park with some church friends. Wait, scratch that. I tried to play. I was pretty clumsy – I caught a lot of air and half the time the Frisbee went in a different direction from where I wanted it to go. It was fun though! I can’t remember the last time I’ve thrown or caught a Frisbee (especially a snazzy one that lights up). Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever played Frisbee before last night. How odd is that?! This weekend, I’m thinking of going down to REI and buying my very own Frisbee that lights up. I want to play again!
Frisbee, Frisbee, Frisbee...what a weird word.
After work today I'm meeting the family at Disneyland to celebrate my sister's birthday. I'm excited for a dose of family time. It's funny, I used to be so against hanging with the fam but these past few years I'm really cherishing it.
Frisbee, Frisbee, Frisbee...what a weird word.
After work today I'm meeting the family at Disneyland to celebrate my sister's birthday. I'm excited for a dose of family time. It's funny, I used to be so against hanging with the fam but these past few years I'm really cherishing it.
Tuesday
05.05.09
I think my heart is starting to defrost. It's a slow defrost, but it's defrosting! I can hear God whispering. Here's part of an e-mail I sent to the Refuge web team this morning. I think the passion IS still there inside me!
...I wish we could take you back to when Refuge was born - through a group of boys living on the streets, dirty and hungry, sleeping on cement and cardboard outside the back of a bar, drinking beer collected from the bottom of bottles to fill their stomachs and dull the pain, being abused in horrible ways by the drunk men at the end of the night, lost physically but also lost spiritually, no home and their hearts hanging by a thread. That is the beginning of Refuge. Even though we are so much bigger than a group of street boys now, they are still the deepest, strongest beat of our heart. Most have been lost by AIDS, abuse, starvation and sickness, but they will always be the very center of what Refuge is. Dirty, hungry, lost, scared, desperately in need of Jesus and somehow, at the same time, so, so beautiful. That's what Refuge looks like.
...it's extremely important to us to have a web site that shines the light of Refuge. We are the same as we were when we first began, just on a much bigger level now. Now we don't just reach out to the street kids, but also the orphans, the young teen who's raising her brothers and sisters on her own and having to decided every day which will eat and which won't, the man who uses what little money he makes to buy alcohol to take away the pain of living in a place that is so oppressed, the woman who's lost her child to starvation and doesn't have the money to buy a coffin and instead has to watch her child be thrown into a pile of bodies and trash to be burned, the children who are abused and forced to give up their childhood in order to survive, the blind village, the old folks home, the money changer on the streets - all are so, so broken but so, so beautiful. Jesus loves each one of them. We love each one of them..."
...I wish we could take you back to when Refuge was born - through a group of boys living on the streets, dirty and hungry, sleeping on cement and cardboard outside the back of a bar, drinking beer collected from the bottom of bottles to fill their stomachs and dull the pain, being abused in horrible ways by the drunk men at the end of the night, lost physically but also lost spiritually, no home and their hearts hanging by a thread. That is the beginning of Refuge. Even though we are so much bigger than a group of street boys now, they are still the deepest, strongest beat of our heart. Most have been lost by AIDS, abuse, starvation and sickness, but they will always be the very center of what Refuge is. Dirty, hungry, lost, scared, desperately in need of Jesus and somehow, at the same time, so, so beautiful. That's what Refuge looks like.
...it's extremely important to us to have a web site that shines the light of Refuge. We are the same as we were when we first began, just on a much bigger level now. Now we don't just reach out to the street kids, but also the orphans, the young teen who's raising her brothers and sisters on her own and having to decided every day which will eat and which won't, the man who uses what little money he makes to buy alcohol to take away the pain of living in a place that is so oppressed, the woman who's lost her child to starvation and doesn't have the money to buy a coffin and instead has to watch her child be thrown into a pile of bodies and trash to be burned, the children who are abused and forced to give up their childhood in order to survive, the blind village, the old folks home, the money changer on the streets - all are so, so broken but so, so beautiful. Jesus loves each one of them. We love each one of them..."
Monday
05.04.09
I’ve been struggling lately. You can tell by my last few entries…they are all so serious…and that’s only the part I’m willing to share with anyone who’s reading. There’s a lot more to it, and it’s gotten worse. Yesterday I lost it. Thankfully, CC was there to pray over me when it hit hard and I at least could breathe again. It seems like the battle gets stronger and stronger…and as hard and scary and messy as it is, I can’t help but thank God for it. I know, for certain, that when things are hard, when I’m being attacked, that He allows it in order to strengthen me. I’m so, so excited that I’m being refined right now! I’m still feeling lost and confused and scared and desperately seeking His voice, but I’m walking through this battle with the confident knowledge that even though He feels so far away, He’s walking right next to me and making me stronger.
I saw a quote last night in a box Regina left at my house (full of Refuge stuff). It said, "The size of your enemy is a picture of the size of your destiny." I just love that. I just love that when the battle gets thick and heavy and hard, it just means there’s something God’s doing in me that’s freaking the devil out. So exciting!
I promise,the next post won't be so serious!
I saw a quote last night in a box Regina left at my house (full of Refuge stuff). It said, "The size of your enemy is a picture of the size of your destiny." I just love that. I just love that when the battle gets thick and heavy and hard, it just means there’s something God’s doing in me that’s freaking the devil out. So exciting!
I promise,the next post won't be so serious!
Thursday
04.30.09
As I was driving to work this morning I was trying to figure out where this uneasiness is coming from. Why do I feel so anxious and flighty? Then, it hit me. The fire of youth is still burning in me and the cold, ooze of reality is trying to seep it’s way in. It’s like there’s a battle going on inside me. My heart is crying out for adventure and beauty but the world is pulling me into the steady dullness of busy schedules, heartless work and “responsibilities”. But, I wonder, what’s the true, responsible way to live? Do I kill the passion in order to live a life that makes sense or do I follow the heart even if it leads to a place that’s messy?
On a side note, I went out to the barn after work yesterday to say hi to Linda and the gang. When I got there the barn was quiet and I snuck into Kalvin’s stall…I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried. I miss him so much. It still hurts that God asked me to let something go that makes me so happy. It’s just another thing I can’t make sense of right now. Why does God fill my heart with a desire so deep for things that He doesn’t want for my life? I cling to the hope that one day it will all makes sense…that one day all the desires will come to life…but until then, why can’t He just remove the desire so it doesn’t hurt so much?
On a side note, I went out to the barn after work yesterday to say hi to Linda and the gang. When I got there the barn was quiet and I snuck into Kalvin’s stall…I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried. I miss him so much. It still hurts that God asked me to let something go that makes me so happy. It’s just another thing I can’t make sense of right now. Why does God fill my heart with a desire so deep for things that He doesn’t want for my life? I cling to the hope that one day it will all makes sense…that one day all the desires will come to life…but until then, why can’t He just remove the desire so it doesn’t hurt so much?
Wednesday
04.29.09
Oh wow. Get Bon Iver's Blood Bank EP and listen to it. Right now I'm listening to "Babys" and it's taking me to a place in my head…under cherry tree branches in full blossom and the petals are falling all around me.
What is it about music that is so powerful?!
What is it about music that is so powerful?!
Tuesday
04.28.09
I keep having this vision of riding in the back of a pickup truck with my legs dangling over the bed, traveling down a long stretch of dirt road with dry, wild grass boarding the road and spreading as far as the eyes can see. It's a warm day and sunlight casts a golden sheen on everything. I have jeans and cowboy boots on and there's a soft cloud of dust following behind the truck. It's a vision I've seen for years and every time I see it my heart immediately grows homesick. I don't understand it. I saw it again last night.
Monday
04.27.09 P.S.
I need to vent. I’m kinda blue today. I’m trying not to be. I keep reading over Philippians 4:8 (message) but for some reason my heart is hard to it and it’s not sinking in...
“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”
I hate that I’m glum. It’s not praising to God to be this way. I’m struggling today. I’m frustrated and wondering why God has put such a huge desire in my heart but no way of bringing it to life (at least, not right now). It’s hard to sit in a cube for 8+ hours a day when the world outside is spinning with adventure. It’s hard to type words about IT products (boring!) when my hands want to draw and create. It’s hard to have my head full of colors and sounds and far-off places when I can’t set it all free. It’s hard to literally ache for wide-open spaces and be stuck at some corporate job in the city. I don’t understand it. I really need to humble myself and give it all to God. I need to trust that He has me in this very place for a reason. He’s so loving and so faithful and so wise…why is it so hard to trust that He’s got a plan? Why is it so hard for me to be obedient with where He’s put me and be patient?
“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”
I hate that I’m glum. It’s not praising to God to be this way. I’m struggling today. I’m frustrated and wondering why God has put such a huge desire in my heart but no way of bringing it to life (at least, not right now). It’s hard to sit in a cube for 8+ hours a day when the world outside is spinning with adventure. It’s hard to type words about IT products (boring!) when my hands want to draw and create. It’s hard to have my head full of colors and sounds and far-off places when I can’t set it all free. It’s hard to literally ache for wide-open spaces and be stuck at some corporate job in the city. I don’t understand it. I really need to humble myself and give it all to God. I need to trust that He has me in this very place for a reason. He’s so loving and so faithful and so wise…why is it so hard to trust that He’s got a plan? Why is it so hard for me to be obedient with where He’s put me and be patient?
04.27.09
I live in southern California and I can’t tan. It doesn’t sound right, does it? If lived in Antarctica or England not being tan wouldn’t be so bad….but southern California?! Here in Orange County almost the entire population (minus a few ghosts like me) are tan. It looks healthy. It looks youthful. It looks…right! But, I’ve been cursed with pasty, pale skin that freaks out when it gets too much sun. And, after all these years, I still haven’t given up on trying to change that. I laid out this weekend in my backyard, basking in the sun with high hopes of getting at least a normal skin color, and ended up with a sun rash that covered my entire belly and back. Of course, my legs remained as white as white can be. It’s ridiculous! I knew my skin was going to freak out but I’m so stubborn. Plus, I’m covered in freckles that scream cancer risk…only an idiot would try to fry in the sun! Yes…I’m the idiot. I have a feeling it’s gonna be an oompa-loompa, fake-tan kind of summer. That, or I’ll just blind people with my legs.
Speaking of summer…I’m hoping to find some time to work on my backyard. All my grand, party ideas probably won’t happen, knowing me, but a small BBQ would be nice at least! The problem is finding time to actually work on the backyard….not to mention the rest of the house that’s STILL not done from when I moved in months and months ago. One of these days, I suppose.
Speaking of summer…I’m hoping to find some time to work on my backyard. All my grand, party ideas probably won’t happen, knowing me, but a small BBQ would be nice at least! The problem is finding time to actually work on the backyard….not to mention the rest of the house that’s STILL not done from when I moved in months and months ago. One of these days, I suppose.
Sunday
04.26.09
I changed my blog title to Bird in Flight. I feel like I’ve been growing and changing so much lately. I used to feel like a caged bird — beating and bashing my wings against the cage. Trapped. God has been providing me such freedom and strength these past couple months. I'm not a caged bird anymore, I'm a bird in flight!
Wednesday
04.22.09
Regina left yesterday. I’m sure going to miss that girl…at least until I see her again in August. It feels weird not having her around…there’s an empty spot now. ::sad::
On a good note, I got to catch up on my sleep last night! It was delicious!!
On a good note, I got to catch up on my sleep last night! It was delicious!!
Thursday
04.16.09
I'm boarderline obsessed with lime green right now. I don't know where it came from and I have no idea how long it's going to last. It's so ridiculous that I get excited when I find something lime green at work. I have to place them all in front of my computer so I can enjoy looking at them all day. It's weird, I know.
Tuesday
04.14.09
My guitar lesson was awesome! Taps is a great teacher and I’m really excited about learning. Last night I learned the G-major scale, the A-major scale, and a strumming pattern (down, down, up, up, down) in a 4/4 beat. My homework is to practice at least an hour a day. As much as I miss Kalvin and having horses in my life, I’m happy I have time to learn guitar now. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for the ten-plus, clueless years I’ve been strumming around on one. I’m on my way to becoming a rock star!
Monday
04.13.09
I had the most wonderful Easter yesterday! Church was an incredible celebration of Jesus and how He’s restored so many lives. It was pretty special! After that, I met Regina and we drove down to Corona Del Mar to spend about an hour sitting in the sand, soaking in the sun, watching the ocean, people watching and just being. After that I went to the family commune’s BBQ to eat very tasty food and take in family time. Happiness!
Tonight I’m meeting up with Taps for my first, official guitar lesson. I’ve been playing for years and years but I’m still only doing basic chords. I’ve been lazy…but now I’m ready to step it up a notch and become a rock star! I can’t wait to start learning!
I want to plan a trip to Isla Holbox and go snorkeling with whale shark! Who’s with me?
Tonight I’m meeting up with Taps for my first, official guitar lesson. I’ve been playing for years and years but I’m still only doing basic chords. I’ve been lazy…but now I’m ready to step it up a notch and become a rock star! I can’t wait to start learning!
I want to plan a trip to Isla Holbox and go snorkeling with whale shark! Who’s with me?
Wednesday
04.08.09
Karen is visiting from Boston and staying at my house for about a week. My house is so ill-equipped for house guests -- poor Karen is sleeping on an air mattress in my living room. I have no food in the fridge, I'm rarely home to keep her company and I don't even have a TV for her to watch. She still felt it in her heart to bring flowers home one night as one of her many thank yous. I'm very undeserving of them but they broke into bloom today and I just have to share:
Tuesday
04.07.09
Tuesday morning happiness is...
Uncle Kevin (who works in my department) bringing me McDonald's coffee (seriously some of the best coffee around):
CC sending me a picture of a MINI Cooper as she's driving into work because she knows I'm obsessed with getting one right now and wanted to make me smile:
Karen, who's staying at my house this week, sending me a really cute picture of Lily sleeping on her (Lily is in love with Karen, it seems!):
Uncle Kevin (who works in my department) bringing me McDonald's coffee (seriously some of the best coffee around):
CC sending me a picture of a MINI Cooper as she's driving into work because she knows I'm obsessed with getting one right now and wanted to make me smile:
Karen, who's staying at my house this week, sending me a really cute picture of Lily sleeping on her (Lily is in love with Karen, it seems!):
Friday
04.03.09
I ended my lease on Kalvin the other day. I miss him already. Linda is the sweetest (ever!) and told me I'm welcome to come out and say hi but I don't know if I can do it. It's hard. I'm sad but I'm also pretty sure I made the right choice. Sometimes the right choices aren't always the ones we want.
I'm stepping it up a level with my dedication to Refuge and I'm also amping up my involvement in my church. Refuge, Jr. High ministry, arts ministry and (soon) young adults night...with all that going on I just don't have the time Kalvin needs and deserves.
Letting go wasn't easy. For awhile I was clinging and pretending that I wasn't hearing God calling me away from Kalvin and into ministry at my church. What helped me let go was knowing that God has the power to bring me horses if He choses. My job is to follow the path He's placed before me and trust Him.
I'm holding onto the hope that one day He'll bring horses into my life and they'll be here to stay. I can't explain the connection I feel to them...horses and wide-open spaces make me so, so happy!
I'm stepping it up a level with my dedication to Refuge and I'm also amping up my involvement in my church. Refuge, Jr. High ministry, arts ministry and (soon) young adults night...with all that going on I just don't have the time Kalvin needs and deserves.
Letting go wasn't easy. For awhile I was clinging and pretending that I wasn't hearing God calling me away from Kalvin and into ministry at my church. What helped me let go was knowing that God has the power to bring me horses if He choses. My job is to follow the path He's placed before me and trust Him.
I'm holding onto the hope that one day He'll bring horses into my life and they'll be here to stay. I can't explain the connection I feel to them...horses and wide-open spaces make me so, so happy!
03.27.09
I have the worst stomach. It grumbles and gurgles and growls. I'm beginning to think I have a stomach monster. If I do, I bet he looks something like this:
Monday
Friday
03.20.09
This guy was in my head and I had to get him out. I'm thinking of turning him into a painting. The colors are off but at least I have him on paper now.
Wednesday
03.18.09
I just realized the other day that in about two and a half months I'll be 31. It feels like just last month I was stressing about turning 30. Where in the world did the whole year go?! Ugh. To make 31 a good number, I'm thinking of throwing a party in my fabulously large backyard. My birthday is the third of June so it will be nice and summery and just perfect for a backyard party. It won't be just any backyard party though, it will be an Alice in Wonderland party -- Mad Hatter style! Picture this: Everyone has to dress up as either an Alice in Wonderland character or in some crazy outfit, including a wild hat. There will be a croquet tournament, pink yard-flamingos, white paper rose bushes painted red, cards...all things Alice in Wonderland! We'll drink out of random tea cups, there will be cupcakes decorated to look like mushrooms that say "eat me" and the bottles of wine will all have tags on them saying "drink me". Of course, there will be awesome music playing at all times. I'm thinking of having it start around 5:00 so we can play croquet and horseshoes while it's light and when dark sets in there will be paper lanterns, strings of lights and a dance floor (maybe even a live band if I can get some friends to play!). I'd invite everyone and their friends and we'll fill the backyard with laughter. What do you think?
Tuesday
03.17.09
I'm sick...again. This is the second cold I've caught in two weeks. I'm always getting sick. Last night, Regina called me the runt. I thought that was pretty funny.
Happy St. Patrick's Day! This has been one of my most-favorite holidays since I was little. It's all because of the year my Mom made little green feet out of construction paper and trailed them from my bedroom door through the house. My sister and I followed the "leprechaun path" until it ended at a windowsill where a bag of rainbow-chocolate cookies waited. The effort and love my Mom put into that has made St. Patrick's Day a day when I always remember how AWESOME my Mother is.
Here's a little treat my friend Amy sent my way:
Happy St. Patrick's Day! This has been one of my most-favorite holidays since I was little. It's all because of the year my Mom made little green feet out of construction paper and trailed them from my bedroom door through the house. My sister and I followed the "leprechaun path" until it ended at a windowsill where a bag of rainbow-chocolate cookies waited. The effort and love my Mom put into that has made St. Patrick's Day a day when I always remember how AWESOME my Mother is.
Here's a little treat my friend Amy sent my way:
Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!
Friday
03.13.09
I took yesterday off work to play at Disneyland with Gi and the Zim "kids". It was the first time at the happiest place on earth for the Zimbos. What a day! I'm still feeling exhausted from all the speed walking and line standing and screaming and laughing and JOY from it all. I love these kids so much -- my heart feels like it could burst!
Wednesday
Tuesday
03.10.09
I'm awful at remembering things. I blame it on my ADD -- it's a sad cycle of constant thoughts spinning in my head and leaving just as quickly as they came. But, I'm determined to start memorizing Bible verses. It's not as easy task and so far only one is officially stuck in my head: "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation -- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1)
I'm starting a book by Beth Moore called Breaking Free and she really encourages the reader to memorize certain verses that pertain to the topics she's writing about. The first verse that needs to be memorized is HUGE! I have no idea how I'm going to keep this one in my head: "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." (Isaiah 61:1-4)
On another note, I'm loving the fact that the Zim kids are staying at my Moms house. I love them all so much. I love Keegan's heart and his fight to remain a light in all the messiness of Southern California. I love Asher's brightness, happiness and love that just seems to radiate from her. I love how Taps pours his love of the Lord out in song and in laughter. They are all so, so special! I am in awe at how much God has blessed me with such amazing people in my life.
Oh! And, I just have to share...I am seriously thinking of going back to Zimbabwe this summer! It's not definite yet, but I'm feeling a tug to go back for a Refuge trip...the U.S. Refuge team will be traveling to all the orphanages that Refuge is sponsoring and meet all the people who are supporting Refuge from the Zim side. I have a feeling it's going to be a very, very important trip and that my fire will burn even brighter for Zim because of it.
I'm starting a book by Beth Moore called Breaking Free and she really encourages the reader to memorize certain verses that pertain to the topics she's writing about. The first verse that needs to be memorized is HUGE! I have no idea how I'm going to keep this one in my head: "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." (Isaiah 61:1-4)
On another note, I'm loving the fact that the Zim kids are staying at my Moms house. I love them all so much. I love Keegan's heart and his fight to remain a light in all the messiness of Southern California. I love Asher's brightness, happiness and love that just seems to radiate from her. I love how Taps pours his love of the Lord out in song and in laughter. They are all so, so special! I am in awe at how much God has blessed me with such amazing people in my life.
Oh! And, I just have to share...I am seriously thinking of going back to Zimbabwe this summer! It's not definite yet, but I'm feeling a tug to go back for a Refuge trip...the U.S. Refuge team will be traveling to all the orphanages that Refuge is sponsoring and meet all the people who are supporting Refuge from the Zim side. I have a feeling it's going to be a very, very important trip and that my fire will burn even brighter for Zim because of it.
Friday
03.06.09
I haven't been drawing much these days...or being creative at all, actually. I feel sad and dull because of it. So, I decided to draw a bit during my lunch break today. I feel better already!
Tuesday
03.03.09
Simple but oh-so-tasty: One slice of toasted Ezekiel bread, one-half avocado smashed on top and finished off with a mad sprinkling of chili powder. So good! Try it - your taste buds will thank you.
Today is Eva's birthday! I honestly cannot believe she's turning six years old. Life is going by WAY too fast. I feel like I need to hold on super tight or it's going to just pass me by!
Last night I talked with Linda and told her that I won't be coming out as much to ride. It was hard because I love riding so much and I really want to get good at it and maybe even show...but God's putting some pretty neat things in my path right now that I need to make time for. The first is Jr. High ministry! I checked it out this past Sunday and instantly fell in love. I felt at home, like I belonged there. I'm diving in head first and am super excited about it. The second is all things Refuge, including spending time with the awesome group of Zim kids Regina loves so much. Keegan is already staying at my Mom's house and I've adopted him as my younger brother (love him!)...and Asher is flying in tonight and Taps is coming Thursday. I've heard such amazing things about them and can't wait to spend some time getting to know them. They are a huge part of the future of Refuge and I am really excited to see what they're all about!
Today is Eva's birthday! I honestly cannot believe she's turning six years old. Life is going by WAY too fast. I feel like I need to hold on super tight or it's going to just pass me by!
Last night I talked with Linda and told her that I won't be coming out as much to ride. It was hard because I love riding so much and I really want to get good at it and maybe even show...but God's putting some pretty neat things in my path right now that I need to make time for. The first is Jr. High ministry! I checked it out this past Sunday and instantly fell in love. I felt at home, like I belonged there. I'm diving in head first and am super excited about it. The second is all things Refuge, including spending time with the awesome group of Zim kids Regina loves so much. Keegan is already staying at my Mom's house and I've adopted him as my younger brother (love him!)...and Asher is flying in tonight and Taps is coming Thursday. I've heard such amazing things about them and can't wait to spend some time getting to know them. They are a huge part of the future of Refuge and I am really excited to see what they're all about!
Monday
03.02.09
I'm feeling the beginning of a freedom I've been wanting so badly. God is releasing a heaviness I've carried around for almost four years now. He's breaking away the chains of fear. I used to never be shy and awkward. I used to never have anxiety grip me when I'm around people I don't know (and sometimes people I do know!). I used to never be scared to be me. But the past few years I've been crippled by anxiety and fear. I could literally feel the heaviness of it...almost like a thick blanket trying to block out the light in me. But the heaviness is gone -- not all of it, but a huge portion of it. I can feel my light shining! I'm feeling the freedom of dancing during worship and not caring if I'm the only one doing it. I'm feeling the freedom of meeting new people and actually enjoying it. I'm feeling the freedom of loving myself because God created me to be just like me and no one else. I'm feeling the freedom of courage to pray out loud. I'm feeling the freedom of following God's voice! It's pure joy!
Wednesday
Tuesday
02.24.09
This is what's constantly going through my head as I'm riding, in no particular order:
-hold the reins like you're holding a baby bird
-keep your fingers closed
-wiggle your fingers to get his head down
-bend him the the outside and bend him to the inside if wiggling fingers doesn't work
-keep your legs on him
-sit up tall like the queen
-tilt pelvic slightly forward
-shoulders back
-keep him on the rail
-use outside rein as a brake
-toes pointed forward
-look five steps ahead
-don't look down
-half halt when he speeds up (tighten butt and squeeze hands at same time)
-don't bend wrists
-don't cut corners
-keep the rhythm
Honestly...ALL of that is spinning in my head at once, not to mention the instructions Linda gives me, like, "Trot a 20-meter circle at center line. No, that's a 15-meter circle!" or "He's strung out. He looks strung out. Bend him. Not turn him, bend him." Ahhh...but with all the insanity, I LOVE riding and I love how Linda teaches me. She's an amazing instructor and the three of us make a really good team!
P.S. I wish I had eyes on my toes. That way, I would see where my feet are going and not stub my toes. I stubbed my big toe tonight and it HURTS. I think it might be bleeding but I refuse to take off my sock and look.
-hold the reins like you're holding a baby bird
-keep your fingers closed
-wiggle your fingers to get his head down
-bend him the the outside and bend him to the inside if wiggling fingers doesn't work
-keep your legs on him
-sit up tall like the queen
-tilt pelvic slightly forward
-shoulders back
-keep him on the rail
-use outside rein as a brake
-toes pointed forward
-look five steps ahead
-don't look down
-half halt when he speeds up (tighten butt and squeeze hands at same time)
-don't bend wrists
-don't cut corners
-keep the rhythm
Honestly...ALL of that is spinning in my head at once, not to mention the instructions Linda gives me, like, "Trot a 20-meter circle at center line. No, that's a 15-meter circle!" or "He's strung out. He looks strung out. Bend him. Not turn him, bend him." Ahhh...but with all the insanity, I LOVE riding and I love how Linda teaches me. She's an amazing instructor and the three of us make a really good team!
P.S. I wish I had eyes on my toes. That way, I would see where my feet are going and not stub my toes. I stubbed my big toe tonight and it HURTS. I think it might be bleeding but I refuse to take off my sock and look.
Monday
02.24.09
A friend from work asked me what my best day out on a horse was. This is it:
It was one of the last days my friend Carrie was here before she moved to Texas. We've known each other since 6th grade and both were (and still are) obsessed with horses. We rode bareback in the hills of Elfin Forest and took the horses into a gallop. I remember gripping the mane...and feeling the rush of speed and power...and running under a canopy of oak tree branches that were spilling in gold bits of sunlight...and seeing Carrie and her horse in front of me, twisting around the bend......and feeling so small but so wild.
That's a memory I'll always hold on to.
It was one of the last days my friend Carrie was here before she moved to Texas. We've known each other since 6th grade and both were (and still are) obsessed with horses. We rode bareback in the hills of Elfin Forest and took the horses into a gallop. I remember gripping the mane...and feeling the rush of speed and power...and running under a canopy of oak tree branches that were spilling in gold bits of sunlight...and seeing Carrie and her horse in front of me, twisting around the bend......and feeling so small but so wild.
That's a memory I'll always hold on to.
Saturday
02.21.09
I'm getting baptized today. I want to share my testimony before I leave...
We all carry a hole in our hearts that only God can fill. I grew up knowing who God was but didn't know Him personally. I remember feeling that hollow place sitting inside me. I tried to fill it with alcohol and boys, but no matter how much I poured into it I was always left feeling empty. I remember feeling there was something more to life but I couldn't grasp it. I carried around me a restlessness that I couldn't contain. There was an adventure waiting for me and a love I was desperate for, I just didn't know where to find it.
It was Nick who brought me to the Lord. I met Nick at work. He wasn't shy about sharing his faith and my curiosity for God was sparked. He took me under his wing and began inviting me to church and answering the questions I had. God was working in my heart and in June, 2005, I proclaimed my faith. With tears in my eyes, Nick prayed over me as I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. At that very moment, the empty place was finally filled.
My life is rich now. It's full. There’s no empty place to fill with alcohol or boys. I no longer carry around a deep, hurting desire for love. I know I’m loved. I’m loved by the mighty God who created the Heavens and the earth. I’m loved by the God who, for all the years I pushed Him away, never stopped loving me. I’m loved by the God who has given me life to the fullest…life without holes.
We all carry a hole in our hearts that only God can fill. I grew up knowing who God was but didn't know Him personally. I remember feeling that hollow place sitting inside me. I tried to fill it with alcohol and boys, but no matter how much I poured into it I was always left feeling empty. I remember feeling there was something more to life but I couldn't grasp it. I carried around me a restlessness that I couldn't contain. There was an adventure waiting for me and a love I was desperate for, I just didn't know where to find it.
It was Nick who brought me to the Lord. I met Nick at work. He wasn't shy about sharing his faith and my curiosity for God was sparked. He took me under his wing and began inviting me to church and answering the questions I had. God was working in my heart and in June, 2005, I proclaimed my faith. With tears in my eyes, Nick prayed over me as I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. At that very moment, the empty place was finally filled.
My life is rich now. It's full. There’s no empty place to fill with alcohol or boys. I no longer carry around a deep, hurting desire for love. I know I’m loved. I’m loved by the mighty God who created the Heavens and the earth. I’m loved by the God who, for all the years I pushed Him away, never stopped loving me. I’m loved by the God who has given me life to the fullest…life without holes.
Friday
02.13.09
My iMac is giving me trouble and I'm thinking of getting a MacBook to replace it.
I'm on day six without caffeine. I had an awful craving this morning but am proud to say I didn't give in.
I'm tired of walking Kalvin on the street in the rain and can't wait to start riding again (when the rain stops and the arena dries up). It's been over a week now!
I love that I'm growing even closer to the Refuge girls. I feel honored to be in their lives.
My uncle just came by to tell me that he's planning a family vacation for next November in Maui (and that I need to start saving money). I've never been to Hawaii before.
I am really excited that I'll be getting baptized next Saturday...and a little scared at how freezing the ocean water is going to be!
I wish my stomach didn't hurt every time I ate something.
I'm anxious for my piano to be moved over.
Charles e-mailed a picture he took of Norman and I have to share. Do you see why I love Normie so much?!
I'm on day six without caffeine. I had an awful craving this morning but am proud to say I didn't give in.
I'm tired of walking Kalvin on the street in the rain and can't wait to start riding again (when the rain stops and the arena dries up). It's been over a week now!
I love that I'm growing even closer to the Refuge girls. I feel honored to be in their lives.
My uncle just came by to tell me that he's planning a family vacation for next November in Maui (and that I need to start saving money). I've never been to Hawaii before.
I am really excited that I'll be getting baptized next Saturday...and a little scared at how freezing the ocean water is going to be!
I wish my stomach didn't hurt every time I ate something.
I'm anxious for my piano to be moved over.
Charles e-mailed a picture he took of Norman and I have to share. Do you see why I love Normie so much?!
Monday
02.09.09
I walked out of my painting class tonight. I got there early and sat behind an easel and stared at a few examples leaned up against the chalk board. Instead of getting excited, I grew more and more uninspired as each minute ticked closer to the beginning of class. I don't want to create another grey scale of a sphere and a cone. I don't want to create another still life of plastic fruit in a bowl. I don't want to create another version of draped cloth or cheapen up another masterpiece by attempting to copy a Van Gogh. I felt my inspiration turning to dust and right before the class was about to start I picked up my belongings, slung my purse over my shoulder, focused my eyes on the door and walk straight out of class. It was one of those few occasions I didn't care that all eyes were on me. I walked out in front of the students and in front of the teacher and didn't look back. I just couldn't do it.
When I got home, I parked and sat in my car in the dark and cried and cried. I don't understand it, but something fierce is going on inside me. Most of my life I've felt that I see things strangely. I see things that so many people over look...and those little things are so beautiful to me I feel overwhelmed. I can see God all around me in everything. I saw Him tonight in the grey clouds lined with the pink touch of sunset. I saw Him in the twisting branches of trees along the side of the road. I saw Him in the rain that fell and reflected in the stream of light from the parking lot lamp. I saw Him in the mud puddle in my front yard that shone like glass. And the thing is, I've taken in all His beauty for so long and I'm filled to the brim with it and it's aching and screaming to get out but I don't know how to release it! I don't know what to paint. I don't know what to sing. I don't know how to free all of His beauty that's inside me. And if I don't let it out soon I think I might just go mad. It's not meant to be kept locked away, it's meant to spill out in brilliant colors and sounds. I just can't find the key.
When I got home, I parked and sat in my car in the dark and cried and cried. I don't understand it, but something fierce is going on inside me. Most of my life I've felt that I see things strangely. I see things that so many people over look...and those little things are so beautiful to me I feel overwhelmed. I can see God all around me in everything. I saw Him tonight in the grey clouds lined with the pink touch of sunset. I saw Him in the twisting branches of trees along the side of the road. I saw Him in the rain that fell and reflected in the stream of light from the parking lot lamp. I saw Him in the mud puddle in my front yard that shone like glass. And the thing is, I've taken in all His beauty for so long and I'm filled to the brim with it and it's aching and screaming to get out but I don't know how to release it! I don't know what to paint. I don't know what to sing. I don't know how to free all of His beauty that's inside me. And if I don't let it out soon I think I might just go mad. It's not meant to be kept locked away, it's meant to spill out in brilliant colors and sounds. I just can't find the key.
Friday
02.06.09
I love how the sky is familiar but incredibly different each and every day. Pretty cool, if you ask me.
The sky during lunch, from the parking lot at work:
The sky during lunch, from the parking lot at work:
Thursday
02.05.09
I'm getting old. The reality of it hit me today. I was washing my hands and glanced up at the mirror and was taken aback at the amount of wrinkles framing my eyes. Not just a couple wrinkles, but a lot of wrinkles! When did they get there?! I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself they're there because of all the years I've been smiling...and how can something caused by a smile be bad? But then I made the mistake of smiling at myself in the mirror. Those wrinkles burst into a maddening display of deeper, stronger wrinkles that stretched to my temples and over the tops of my cheeks. Of course, I immediately stopped smiling. The reality sunk in...I'm getting old. I'm getting wrinkles that won't go away but will multiply! Oh dear.
I'm buying wrinkle cream tonight.
I'm buying wrinkle cream tonight.
Wednesday
02.04.09
Last night, I heard Griffin gnawing on something from the corner of my room but I was so tired all I could do was yell out his name every now and then to get his attention so he'd stop making smacking, chewing noises. (yes, I'm a light sleeper and can hear everything) I woke up this morning and had completely forgotten about the obnoxious chewing noises until I noticed a red, egg-shaped thing in the corner of my room. At first, I thought it was a plastic Easter egg with hundreds of little cat-teeth marks chewed into it (which got me wondering, WHERE did that come from?). It wasn't until I got closer when I realized it was a Roma tomato. Yes, a tomato. The tomato that had been in my lunch bag on my kitchen counter. Griffin not only had to rummage through the lunch bag to find the tomato, but then carried it into my room and started eating it. This is just one example of how bizarre my cats are. I mean, a tomato?!!
Sunday
02.01.09 P.S.
I just got back from a riding lesson with Linda. She makes me work and I'm tired, a little sun soaked and smelling of horse (all of which are fabulous, by the way). After the lesson, Linda told me that she literally had chills at some points watching me and Kalvin. She said that I was made for this...that I'm a natural and that she can tell Kalvin really likes me. I have to share because a compliment from Linda really means something...she doesn't hand them out freely. She was so proud and excited that she was telling other people at the barn how well I did (kind of embarrassing but pretty cool at the same time). I'm on cloud nine right now. So, the goal is to get me ready for some shows. I need to start getting strict about my riding. I need to be out at the barn at least five times a week, if not six. I also need to start doing my pilates DVDs again to get some core strength and I need to start watching what I eat. I'm really going to be picking it up a notch! Riding is a sport and the fitter I am, the easier it's going to be to learn more and more. I am so excited to be taking this seriously and learning as much as I can. It's such an awesome feeling to be doing something that makes my heart so happy.
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