04.30.09

As I was driving to work this morning I was trying to figure out where this uneasiness is coming from. Why do I feel so anxious and flighty? Then, it hit me. The fire of youth is still burning in me and the cold, ooze of reality is trying to seep it’s way in. It’s like there’s a battle going on inside me. My heart is crying out for adventure and beauty but the world is pulling me into the steady dullness of busy schedules, heartless work and “responsibilities”. But, I wonder, what’s the true, responsible way to live? Do I kill the passion in order to live a life that makes sense or do I follow the heart even if it leads to a place that’s messy?

On a side note, I went out to the barn after work yesterday to say hi to Linda and the gang. When I got there the barn was quiet and I snuck into Kalvin’s stall…I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried. I miss him so much. It still hurts that God asked me to let something go that makes me so happy. It’s just another thing I can’t make sense of right now. Why does God fill my heart with a desire so deep for things that He doesn’t want for my life? I cling to the hope that one day it will all makes sense…that one day all the desires will come to life…but until then, why can’t He just remove the desire so it doesn’t hurt so much?

04.29.09

Oh wow. Get Bon Iver's Blood Bank EP and listen to it. Right now I'm listening to "Babys" and it's taking me to a place in my head…under cherry tree branches in full blossom and the petals are falling all around me.

What is it about music that is so powerful?!

04.28.09

I keep having this vision of riding in the back of a pickup truck with my legs dangling over the bed, traveling down a long stretch of dirt road with dry, wild grass boarding the road and spreading as far as the eyes can see. It's a warm day and sunlight casts a golden sheen on everything. I have jeans and cowboy boots on and there's a soft cloud of dust following behind the truck. It's a vision I've seen for years and every time I see it my heart immediately grows homesick. I don't understand it. I saw it again last night.

04.27.09 P.S.

I need to vent. I’m kinda blue today. I’m trying not to be. I keep reading over Philippians 4:8 (message) but for some reason my heart is hard to it and it’s not sinking in...

“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

I hate that I’m glum. It’s not praising to God to be this way. I’m struggling today. I’m frustrated and wondering why God has put such a huge desire in my heart but no way of bringing it to life (at least, not right now). It’s hard to sit in a cube for 8+ hours a day when the world outside is spinning with adventure. It’s hard to type words about IT products (boring!) when my hands want to draw and create. It’s hard to have my head full of colors and sounds and far-off places when I can’t set it all free. It’s hard to literally ache for wide-open spaces and be stuck at some corporate job in the city. I don’t understand it. I really need to humble myself and give it all to God. I need to trust that He has me in this very place for a reason. He’s so loving and so faithful and so wise…why is it so hard to trust that He’s got a plan? Why is it so hard for me to be obedient with where He’s put me and be patient?

04.27.09

I live in southern California and I can’t tan. It doesn’t sound right, does it? If lived in Antarctica or England not being tan wouldn’t be so bad….but southern California?! Here in Orange County almost the entire population (minus a few ghosts like me) are tan. It looks healthy. It looks youthful. It looks…right! But, I’ve been cursed with pasty, pale skin that freaks out when it gets too much sun. And, after all these years, I still haven’t given up on trying to change that. I laid out this weekend in my backyard, basking in the sun with high hopes of getting at least a normal skin color, and ended up with a sun rash that covered my entire belly and back. Of course, my legs remained as white as white can be. It’s ridiculous! I knew my skin was going to freak out but I’m so stubborn. Plus, I’m covered in freckles that scream cancer risk…only an idiot would try to fry in the sun! Yes…I’m the idiot. I have a feeling it’s gonna be an oompa-loompa, fake-tan kind of summer. That, or I’ll just blind people with my legs.

Speaking of summer…I’m hoping to find some time to work on my backyard. All my grand, party ideas probably won’t happen, knowing me, but a small BBQ would be nice at least! The problem is finding time to actually work on the backyard….not to mention the rest of the house that’s STILL not done from when I moved in months and months ago. One of these days, I suppose.

04.26.09

I changed my blog title to Bird in Flight. I feel like I’ve been growing and changing so much lately. I used to feel like a caged bird — beating and bashing my wings against the cage. Trapped. God has been providing me such freedom and strength these past couple months. I'm not a caged bird anymore, I'm a bird in flight!

04.22.09

Regina left yesterday. I’m sure going to miss that girl…at least until I see her again in August. It feels weird not having her around…there’s an empty spot now. ::sad::

On a good note, I got to catch up on my sleep last night! It was delicious!!

04.16.09

I'm boarderline obsessed with lime green right now. I don't know where it came from and I have no idea how long it's going to last. It's so ridiculous that I get excited when I find something lime green at work. I have to place them all in front of my computer so I can enjoy looking at them all day. It's weird, I know.

04.14.09 P.S.

I want one:

04.14.09

My guitar lesson was awesome! Taps is a great teacher and I’m really excited about learning. Last night I learned the G-major scale, the A-major scale, and a strumming pattern (down, down, up, up, down) in a 4/4 beat. My homework is to practice at least an hour a day. As much as I miss Kalvin and having horses in my life, I’m happy I have time to learn guitar now. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for the ten-plus, clueless years I’ve been strumming around on one. I’m on my way to becoming a rock star!

04.13.09

I had the most wonderful Easter yesterday! Church was an incredible celebration of Jesus and how He’s restored so many lives. It was pretty special! After that, I met Regina and we drove down to Corona Del Mar to spend about an hour sitting in the sand, soaking in the sun, watching the ocean, people watching and just being. After that I went to the family commune’s BBQ to eat very tasty food and take in family time. Happiness!

Tonight I’m meeting up with Taps for my first, official guitar lesson. I’ve been playing for years and years but I’m still only doing basic chords. I’ve been lazy…but now I’m ready to step it up a notch and become a rock star! I can’t wait to start learning!

I want to plan a trip to Isla Holbox and go snorkeling with whale shark! Who’s with me?

04.08.09

Karen is visiting from Boston and staying at my house for about a week. My house is so ill-equipped for house guests -- poor Karen is sleeping on an air mattress in my living room. I have no food in the fridge, I'm rarely home to keep her company and I don't even have a TV for her to watch. She still felt it in her heart to bring flowers home one night as one of her many thank yous. I'm very undeserving of them but they broke into bloom today and I just have to share:

04.07.09

Tuesday morning happiness is...

Uncle Kevin (who works in my department) bringing me McDonald's coffee (seriously some of the best coffee around):



CC sending me a picture of a MINI Cooper as she's driving into work because she knows I'm obsessed with getting one right now and wanted to make me smile:



Karen, who's staying at my house this week, sending me a really cute picture of Lily sleeping on her (Lily is in love with Karen, it seems!):

04.03.09

I ended my lease on Kalvin the other day. I miss him already. Linda is the sweetest (ever!) and told me I'm welcome to come out and say hi but I don't know if I can do it. It's hard. I'm sad but I'm also pretty sure I made the right choice. Sometimes the right choices aren't always the ones we want.

I'm stepping it up a level with my dedication to Refuge and I'm also amping up my involvement in my church. Refuge, Jr. High ministry, arts ministry and (soon) young adults night...with all that going on I just don't have the time Kalvin needs and deserves.

Letting go wasn't easy. For awhile I was clinging and pretending that I wasn't hearing God calling me away from Kalvin and into ministry at my church. What helped me let go was knowing that God has the power to bring me horses if He choses. My job is to follow the path He's placed before me and trust Him.

I'm holding onto the hope that one day He'll bring horses into my life and they'll be here to stay. I can't explain the connection I feel to them...horses and wide-open spaces make me so, so happy!

03.27.09

I have the worst stomach. It grumbles and gurgles and growls. I'm beginning to think I have a stomach monster. If I do, I bet he looks something like this:

03.23.09

CC asked me to doodle a walrus. Now I have walrus on the brain. Well, walrus and narwhal.

03.20.09

This guy was in my head and I had to get him out. I'm thinking of turning him into a painting. The colors are off but at least I have him on paper now.

03.18.09

I just realized the other day that in about two and a half months I'll be 31. It feels like just last month I was stressing about turning 30. Where in the world did the whole year go?! Ugh. To make 31 a good number, I'm thinking of throwing a party in my fabulously large backyard. My birthday is the third of June so it will be nice and summery and just perfect for a backyard party. It won't be just any backyard party though, it will be an Alice in Wonderland party -- Mad Hatter style! Picture this: Everyone has to dress up as either an Alice in Wonderland character or in some crazy outfit, including a wild hat. There will be a croquet tournament, pink yard-flamingos, white paper rose bushes painted red, cards...all things Alice in Wonderland! We'll drink out of random tea cups, there will be cupcakes decorated to look like mushrooms that say "eat me" and the bottles of wine will all have tags on them saying "drink me". Of course, there will be awesome music playing at all times. I'm thinking of having it start around 5:00 so we can play croquet and horseshoes while it's light and when dark sets in there will be paper lanterns, strings of lights and a dance floor (maybe even a live band if I can get some friends to play!). I'd invite everyone and their friends and we'll fill the backyard with laughter. What do you think?

03.17.09

I'm sick...again. This is the second cold I've caught in two weeks. I'm always getting sick. Last night, Regina called me the runt. I thought that was pretty funny.




Happy St. Patrick's Day! This has been one of my most-favorite holidays since I was little. It's all because of the year my Mom made little green feet out of construction paper and trailed them from my bedroom door through the house. My sister and I followed the "leprechaun path" until it ended at a windowsill where a bag of rainbow-chocolate cookies waited. The effort and love my Mom put into that has made St. Patrick's Day a day when I always remember how AWESOME my Mother is.

Here's a little treat my friend Amy sent my way:

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

03.13.09

I took yesterday off work to play at Disneyland with Gi and the Zim "kids". It was the first time at the happiest place on earth for the Zimbos. What a day! I'm still feeling exhausted from all the speed walking and line standing and screaming and laughing and JOY from it all. I love these kids so much -- my heart feels like it could burst!

03.11.09

I got my baptism photos last night!!! Here are a few (photos by Kevin Warn):

03.10.9 P.S.

Baby brontosaurus:

03.10.09

I'm awful at remembering things. I blame it on my ADD -- it's a sad cycle of constant thoughts spinning in my head and leaving just as quickly as they came. But, I'm determined to start memorizing Bible verses. It's not as easy task and so far only one is officially stuck in my head: "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation -- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Stronghold of my life -- of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1)

I'm starting a book by Beth Moore called Breaking Free and she really encourages the reader to memorize certain verses that pertain to the topics she's writing about. The first verse that needs to be memorized is HUGE! I have no idea how I'm going to keep this one in my head: "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." (Isaiah 61:1-4)

On another note, I'm loving the fact that the Zim kids are staying at my Moms house. I love them all so much. I love Keegan's heart and his fight to remain a light in all the messiness of Southern California. I love Asher's brightness, happiness and love that just seems to radiate from her. I love how Taps pours his love of the Lord out in song and in laughter. They are all so, so special! I am in awe at how much God has blessed me with such amazing people in my life.

Oh! And, I just have to share...I am seriously thinking of going back to Zimbabwe this summer! It's not definite yet, but I'm feeling a tug to go back for a Refuge trip...the U.S. Refuge team will be traveling to all the orphanages that Refuge is sponsoring and meet all the people who are supporting Refuge from the Zim side. I have a feeling it's going to be a very, very important trip and that my fire will burn even brighter for Zim because of it.

03.06.09

I haven't been drawing much these days...or being creative at all, actually. I feel sad and dull because of it. So, I decided to draw a bit during my lunch break today. I feel better already!

03.03.09

Simple but oh-so-tasty: One slice of toasted Ezekiel bread, one-half avocado smashed on top and finished off with a mad sprinkling of chili powder. So good! Try it - your taste buds will thank you.

Today is Eva's birthday! I honestly cannot believe she's turning six years old. Life is going by WAY too fast. I feel like I need to hold on super tight or it's going to just pass me by!

Last night I talked with Linda and told her that I won't be coming out as much to ride. It was hard because I love riding so much and I really want to get good at it and maybe even show...but God's putting some pretty neat things in my path right now that I need to make time for. The first is Jr. High ministry! I checked it out this past Sunday and instantly fell in love. I felt at home, like I belonged there. I'm diving in head first and am super excited about it. The second is all things Refuge, including spending time with the awesome group of Zim kids Regina loves so much. Keegan is already staying at my Mom's house and I've adopted him as my younger brother (love him!)...and Asher is flying in tonight and Taps is coming Thursday. I've heard such amazing things about them and can't wait to spend some time getting to know them. They are a huge part of the future of Refuge and I am really excited to see what they're all about!

03.02.09

I'm feeling the beginning of a freedom I've been wanting so badly. God is releasing a heaviness I've carried around for almost four years now. He's breaking away the chains of fear. I used to never be shy and awkward. I used to never have anxiety grip me when I'm around people I don't know (and sometimes people I do know!). I used to never be scared to be me. But the past few years I've been crippled by anxiety and fear. I could literally feel the heaviness of it...almost like a thick blanket trying to block out the light in me. But the heaviness is gone -- not all of it, but a huge portion of it. I can feel my light shining! I'm feeling the freedom of dancing during worship and not caring if I'm the only one doing it. I'm feeling the freedom of meeting new people and actually enjoying it. I'm feeling the freedom of loving myself because God created me to be just like me and no one else. I'm feeling the freedom of courage to pray out loud. I'm feeling the freedom of following God's voice! It's pure joy!

02.25.09

Because I haven't posted doodles in a while...

02.24.09

This is what's constantly going through my head as I'm riding, in no particular order:

-hold the reins like you're holding a baby bird
-keep your fingers closed
-wiggle your fingers to get his head down
-bend him the the outside and bend him to the inside if wiggling fingers doesn't work
-keep your legs on him
-sit up tall like the queen
-tilt pelvic slightly forward
-shoulders back
-keep him on the rail
-use outside rein as a brake
-toes pointed forward
-look five steps ahead
-don't look down
-half halt when he speeds up (tighten butt and squeeze hands at same time)
-don't bend wrists
-don't cut corners
-keep the rhythm

Honestly...ALL of that is spinning in my head at once, not to mention the instructions Linda gives me, like, "Trot a 20-meter circle at center line. No, that's a 15-meter circle!" or "He's strung out. He looks strung out. Bend him. Not turn him, bend him." Ahhh...but with all the insanity, I LOVE riding and I love how Linda teaches me. She's an amazing instructor and the three of us make a really good team!

P.S. I wish I had eyes on my toes. That way, I would see where my feet are going and not stub my toes. I stubbed my big toe tonight and it HURTS. I think it might be bleeding but I refuse to take off my sock and look.

02.24.09

A friend from work asked me what my best day out on a horse was. This is it:

It was one of the last days my friend Carrie was here before she moved to Texas. We've known each other since 6th grade and both were (and still are) obsessed with horses. We rode bareback in the hills of Elfin Forest and took the horses into a gallop. I remember gripping the mane...and feeling the rush of speed and power...and running under a canopy of oak tree branches that were spilling in gold bits of sunlight...and seeing Carrie and her horse in front of me, twisting around the bend......and feeling so small but so wild.

That's a memory I'll always hold on to.

02.21.09

I'm getting baptized today. I want to share my testimony before I leave...

We all carry a hole in our hearts that only God can fill. I grew up knowing who God was but didn't know Him personally. I remember feeling that hollow place sitting inside me. I tried to fill it with alcohol and boys, but no matter how much I poured into it I was always left feeling empty. I remember feeling there was something more to life but I couldn't grasp it. I carried around me a restlessness that I couldn't contain. There was an adventure waiting for me and a love I was desperate for, I just didn't know where to find it.

It was Nick who brought me to the Lord. I met Nick at work. He wasn't shy about sharing his faith and my curiosity for God was sparked. He took me under his wing and began inviting me to church and answering the questions I had. God was working in my heart and in June, 2005, I proclaimed my faith. With tears in my eyes, Nick prayed over me as I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. At that very moment, the empty place was finally filled.

My life is rich now. It's full. There’s no empty place to fill with alcohol or boys. I no longer carry around a deep, hurting desire for love. I know I’m loved. I’m loved by the mighty God who created the Heavens and the earth. I’m loved by the God who, for all the years I pushed Him away, never stopped loving me. I’m loved by the God who has given me life to the fullest…life without holes.

02.13.09

My iMac is giving me trouble and I'm thinking of getting a MacBook to replace it.

I'm on day six without caffeine. I had an awful craving this morning but am proud to say I didn't give in.

I'm tired of walking Kalvin on the street in the rain and can't wait to start riding again (when the rain stops and the arena dries up). It's been over a week now!

I love that I'm growing even closer to the Refuge girls. I feel honored to be in their lives.

My uncle just came by to tell me that he's planning a family vacation for next November in Maui (and that I need to start saving money). I've never been to Hawaii before.

I am really excited that I'll be getting baptized next Saturday...and a little scared at how freezing the ocean water is going to be!

I wish my stomach didn't hurt every time I ate something.

I'm anxious for my piano to be moved over.

Charles e-mailed a picture he took of Norman and I have to share. Do you see why I love Normie so much?!

02.09.09

I walked out of my painting class tonight. I got there early and sat behind an easel and stared at a few examples leaned up against the chalk board. Instead of getting excited, I grew more and more uninspired as each minute ticked closer to the beginning of class. I don't want to create another grey scale of a sphere and a cone. I don't want to create another still life of plastic fruit in a bowl. I don't want to create another version of draped cloth or cheapen up another masterpiece by attempting to copy a Van Gogh. I felt my inspiration turning to dust and right before the class was about to start I picked up my belongings, slung my purse over my shoulder, focused my eyes on the door and walk straight out of class. It was one of those few occasions I didn't care that all eyes were on me. I walked out in front of the students and in front of the teacher and didn't look back. I just couldn't do it.

When I got home, I parked and sat in my car in the dark and cried and cried. I don't understand it, but something fierce is going on inside me. Most of my life I've felt that I see things strangely. I see things that so many people over look...and those little things are so beautiful to me I feel overwhelmed. I can see God all around me in everything. I saw Him tonight in the grey clouds lined with the pink touch of sunset. I saw Him in the twisting branches of trees along the side of the road. I saw Him in the rain that fell and reflected in the stream of light from the parking lot lamp. I saw Him in the mud puddle in my front yard that shone like glass. And the thing is, I've taken in all His beauty for so long and I'm filled to the brim with it and it's aching and screaming to get out but I don't know how to release it! I don't know what to paint. I don't know what to sing. I don't know how to free all of His beauty that's inside me. And if I don't let it out soon I think I might just go mad. It's not meant to be kept locked away, it's meant to spill out in brilliant colors and sounds. I just can't find the key.

02.06.09

I love how the sky is familiar but incredibly different each and every day. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

The sky during lunch, from the parking lot at work:

02.05.09

I'm getting old. The reality of it hit me today. I was washing my hands and glanced up at the mirror and was taken aback at the amount of wrinkles framing my eyes. Not just a couple wrinkles, but a lot of wrinkles! When did they get there?! I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself they're there because of all the years I've been smiling...and how can something caused by a smile be bad? But then I made the mistake of smiling at myself in the mirror. Those wrinkles burst into a maddening display of deeper, stronger wrinkles that stretched to my temples and over the tops of my cheeks. Of course, I immediately stopped smiling. The reality sunk in...I'm getting old. I'm getting wrinkles that won't go away but will multiply! Oh dear.

I'm buying wrinkle cream tonight.

02.04.09

Last night, I heard Griffin gnawing on something from the corner of my room but I was so tired all I could do was yell out his name every now and then to get his attention so he'd stop making smacking, chewing noises. (yes, I'm a light sleeper and can hear everything) I woke up this morning and had completely forgotten about the obnoxious chewing noises until I noticed a red, egg-shaped thing in the corner of my room. At first, I thought it was a plastic Easter egg with hundreds of little cat-teeth marks chewed into it (which got me wondering, WHERE did that come from?). It wasn't until I got closer when I realized it was a Roma tomato. Yes, a tomato. The tomato that had been in my lunch bag on my kitchen counter. Griffin not only had to rummage through the lunch bag to find the tomato, but then carried it into my room and started eating it. This is just one example of how bizarre my cats are. I mean, a tomato?!!

02.01.09 P.S.

I just got back from a riding lesson with Linda. She makes me work and I'm tired, a little sun soaked and smelling of horse (all of which are fabulous, by the way). After the lesson, Linda told me that she literally had chills at some points watching me and Kalvin. She said that I was made for this...that I'm a natural and that she can tell Kalvin really likes me. I have to share because a compliment from Linda really means something...she doesn't hand them out freely. She was so proud and excited that she was telling other people at the barn how well I did (kind of embarrassing but pretty cool at the same time). I'm on cloud nine right now. So, the goal is to get me ready for some shows. I need to start getting strict about my riding. I need to be out at the barn at least five times a week, if not six. I also need to start doing my pilates DVDs again to get some core strength and I need to start watching what I eat. I'm really going to be picking it up a notch! Riding is a sport and the fitter I am, the easier it's going to be to learn more and more. I am so excited to be taking this seriously and learning as much as I can. It's such an awesome feeling to be doing something that makes my heart so happy.

02.01.09

I spent most of yesterday at Equine Affaire in Pomona with Linda and Liz. Horse, horses, horses! It's a huge horse convention with booths and seminars and horses everywhere. It was wonderful. My favorite part was the Friesians. They're my favorite horse but I've never been able to get up close to one until yesterday. Now I want one even more!

I just got home from spending some time with High School Ministry (still trying to figure out if this is where God's calling me) and I'm about ready to run up to the barn to go riding. Linda and Liz are going to give me a lesson on Kalvin to learn some dressage, which is pretty awesome. I also have a lesson set up with Anna for next Saturday. Liz told me that I can borrow her jumping saddle so I can start learning to jump. I am so excited how God has brought horses back into my life and how I've been learning so much. It's incredible! I wonder if He has plans for me to use horses in my ministry somehow. I hope so!

I want to buy An Awesome Book by Dallas Clayton.

01.28.09

On Facebook, I got tagged and had to write 25 random things about me. Since I've been slacking lately on my blog, I thought I'd share them. Here goes!

1. I've broken two bones, my wrist and my foot, both while climbing around on monkey bars.
2. I love the way I feel with super-long hair but I like the way I look when it's short.
3. I love healthy foods and could live off of fruits, veggies, nuts and whole grains for the rest of my life and be completely content.
4. I castrated two lambs when I was in 4-H. True story.
5. I secretly wish I would get laid off so I could spend a year living in Zimbabwe.
6. I don't like sleeping with socks on.
7. On some days, my anxiety is so bad I go through an entire pack of gum from lunch time until I leave work (roughly four hours).
8. I think my sister is one of the most beautiful women in the world and I used to take pictures of her all the time for my photography class.
9. I love everything there is about horses (aside from how expensive they are to keep). My favorite thing is to hold on tight and let them run!
10. I'm pale skinned and rarely ever show my legs in fear of blinding (or disgusting) people.
11. Every year for Christmas, my Mother gives me a children's book signed by the illustrator. It's fired a dream in me to one day write and illustrate my very own children's book.
12. It takes a long time for me to trust people and open up to them. Because of that, I can be pretty socially awkward.
13. I thank Jesus for saving me from the person I would have been without Him. I can't wait to see what other awesome things He's going to do with my life!
14. I have two cats that are so naughty and sometimes I wish they were dogs, but I love when they lay at my feet on cold nights and purr super loud.
15. I have two tattoos and am going to get another one in the next few weeks (Refuge wings).
16. I'm part of an amazing group of girls who are on a mission to change Zimbabwe, and maybe even the world! (shout out to Lorz, Gi and CC....woohoo!)
17. I don't have a favorite song or a favorite movie because I'm always changing my mind.
18. I long to live in the country, surrounded by wide-open spaces.
19. I work in a cubicle but I hate it and wish I could be working where my hands get dirty and I feel physically tired by the end of the work day.
20. I used to have a huge fear of crickets after I found one on my pillow in the middle of the night. I got over the fear when I started working at a pet store and had to bag and sell crickets to people who owned creatures that ate them. It was horrible at first.
21. I've always known I'd be good at playing the piano but am too stubborn to learn on a keyboard. My Mom bought me a piano a couple years back at an antique auction and I'm waiting for it to be moved into my house (I finally have a place where it will fit!) before I start teaching myself to play.
22. I am not nice to be around if I don't get enough sleep...and, sadly, I'm not one of those people who can survive on less than eight hours.
23. I have the best Mom in the entire world and I'm not just saying that. She's AMAZING.
24. Joshua Tree National Park is one of my favorite places ever.
25. One day, I want to be an artist.

01.26.09

I can feel myself changing. It's a growth that's happening from the inside. The wounds I've carried for so many years are suddenly surfacing and it hurts...but after the pain comes healing...and after the healing comes growth...and through that growth comes strength. They are relatively small hurts and small strengths, but I can feel my faith stretching each time, and that's a pretty beautiful thing to feel.

Another cloud picture from my camera phone:

01.23.09

Boca burger on Ezekiel bread with mustard. I just had to take a picture of it because I was walking up from the cafeteria (where I toasted the bread) and was slightly embarrassed with how unappetizing my lunch looks. It doesn't look very pretty but it's SO yummy!

01.21.09

I can't get enough of the clouds. This is from my drive home today. It's always so easy to see God in a cloudy sky.

01.19.09

This weekend was really nice. The weather was perfect (if felt like spring) and the company was wonderful.

Saturday, Regina and I drove up to Cal State Northridge to see an extremely talented young man run. I'd never been to a track meet before and had a blast watching people jump, run and throw things. That night, after getting back to OC, a small group of us did a movie and popcorn at my Mom's. It was a good day.

Sunday, I went to church with my new friend K. The lesson was on the mustard seed...how small and insignificant it seems but how it will grow into a huge, flowered bush that birds will perch on. I feel so much like a mustard seed right now...so small but with this huge desire to grow. After service, K and I had lunch and then I went for a trail ride. Kalvin went right over the bridge without any spinning (hooray)! Then, last night, I met Regina and two of her friends at Newport Church for worship night. Imagine a bar/club that just the night before was filled with people drinking and doing all the other stuff that comes along with partying...and imagine that place being packed tight with youth who have a passion for the Lord. Now, picture a band spouting out rockin' music and almost the entire room of people jumping up and down with their arms raised, singing at the top of their lungs to God. Incredible.

Now, back to Monday. It's not as painful as most Mondays though -- I'll be taking tomorrow off to go to Disneyland with Regina and K. Fun!

1.14.09 P.S.

Every time a blog reposts “People Got A Lotta Nerve” by Neko Case, ANTI will donate five dollars to the Best Friends Foundation.

Let me tell you, Neko Case is amazing, amazing, amazing. So, grab the free download now. Great music for a great cause...can it get any better?

Now it's your turn to post this and help raise money for animals.

(Thanks KK for the heads up on this.)

01.14.09

When I get to Heaven, I'm definitely going to hang out with C.S. Lewis. I want to spend hours talking with him...his mind fascinates me! Hmmmm...I wonder if he likes horses? I'd love to take a trail ride with him and then stop midway for lunch under a huge oak tree and chat it up over yummy sandwiches.

Here are a few of his quotes I especially like right now:

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point."

"...that people often say about Him: "I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God." That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

"I have found a desire within myself that no experience in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

"This year, or this month, or, more likely, this very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the kind of behaviour we expect from other people."

01.11.09

From The Inside Out, by Hillsong, speaks to my heart in so many ways right now...

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

11.11.09

Ah. Today is beautiful! The sun is out, the sky is clean and blue, there's a wonderful, spring-time feeling in the air (even though it's January). Last night, Regina was telling me how I live in one of the most beautiful places and I need to start opening my eyes to it all. Today was a good day to start opening my eyes...it wasn't hard at all to see it when so much of the states are covered in snow and ice right now. Maybe I do have it pretty good! ;)

I looked up a painting class online this morning. It starts in February at the local community college...I think I'm going to sign up for it. I had a wonderful heart-to-heart with Lorz the other night (that girl is AMAZING) and she made me realize how much I've been holding back my creativity because I'm scared to let it out. I need to stop worrying about what people think so much and start living to please God. A huge part of that, for me, will be to release the creativity full-force -- paint, draw, play guitar, sing...just be the quirky little thing He's made me to be and use it all as an act of worship. I need to give it all to Him and not care that others may think. That's huge for me and it's going to take some time to get there...but I'm excited to start!

Regina flew in on Thursday and it's been such a blessing to spend time with her. I knew I missed her, but I had no idea how much! I need to get used to being tired (I'm so tired right now!) because I'll want to spend as much time with her as I can before she heads back to Zim. It's hard because she's so busy (so many people want her time) but I'm determined to steal her for a day and spend some quality time with her. I wonder how cold Joshua Tree is right now?

::yawn:: Gonna go take a nap...

1.07.09

Tomorrow Regina is here! I'm really excited to see her and can't wait to hear about everything she's been doing in Zim. It's going to be so special to spend time with her and I'm really looking forward to it!

I started a sketchbook a few days ago in order to spur my creativity back to life. So far, the pages are pretty dull, but at least I'm drawing/doodling every day. Here's something I did today. I folded two pages in half vertically to make doors and when you open them there's a sacred heart inside.

01.05.09

It's so my style --the evening before I have to go back to work I catch a cold. Last night I curled up next to a roll of toilet paper and tried to sleep through a marathon of nose blowing...by morning there was a sea of tissue balls around my bed. The beginning is the worst for me -- I'm such a big baby when I have an achy body -- so work was a tad uncomfortable. I can't wait for 8 o'clock so I can take some p.m. meds and zonk out until tomorrow. Waaaaah...

I ordered a book on Amazon called The China Study and am really excited for it to get here. I think a huge reason I get sick all the time and have stomach problems is because of my diet (makes sense!). I try to eat healthy but the problems are still here...and I'm beginning to think it has to do with the meat and dairy in my diet. I'm really looking forward to learning more about nutrition and the benefits of eating more vegan-like. Not only might it help me be healthier but I'll feel so much better not noshing on animals!

Below is a picture of the curtains my Mom made for my kitchen. I picked out the fabric and she sewed them up in one night. She's seriously the most amazing mother in the entire world.

01.03.09

I really like this chair. So do my cats...to scratch on.

I have to figure out how to make it work in my bedroom. That way I can close the door when I'm not home and they can't get to it. Sadly, that also means there will be one less sitting spot in my living room.

01.01.09 P.S.

Shortly after I wrote the previous post, I went into the bathroom to hang the curtain rod before returning my Grandfather's power drill (by the way, I want my own power drill...they are fantastic!). I forgot about the wet paint as I was trying to screw in part of the curtain-rod holder and pressed my head and arm into the freshly painted wall. Paint got in my hair, on my cheek and down the side of my sweater...and the wall doesn't look so pretty now. I suppose I'll have to find a picture to hang to hide the smudged paint marks.

01.01.09

Happy new year! The year has started off on the right foot. I woke up and met a friend out at the barn for a trail ride, and when I got home I found a happy little mix of tunes from Kev...then I put up the new curtains and after that my Mom came over to help me paint the bathroom. Now I'll be heading over to my Mom's house in a few for a little family party to celebrate the new year. There will be homemade pizzas and board games, and lots of hugs from the nieces. Fun!

Look, the bathroom is painted!


Finally, curtains!

12.31.08

This morning, I took Kalvin on a trail ride and then my Uncle Kevin's family came to the barn to meet the horses. I took River out for his two girls to brush, lead and ride around in the arena. I'm learning that I really enjoy teaching kids about horses. Maybe one day I'll be knowledgeable enough to teach lessons -- that would be a dream job!

After leaving the barn, I met up with my Mom and we worked some more on my house. I had no idea it took so much effort just putting up curtain rods. They aren't even all up yet! So, tomorrow will be more of drilling holes in the walls and I think we're also going to paint my bathroom. I still can't believe I haven't had a lazy moment since my Christmas vacation began. I suppose I'll finally get around to laziness tonight, because I'm not going out for New Years Eve. I'm actually looking forward to some quiet time to catch up on some reading.

12.30.08 P.S.

Pictures from this morning:

12.30.08

Wow. I could get used to not working. I'm really enjoying my Christmas vacation so far!

Saturday night I met Kev and Michael (and JT and his sister) in Carlsbad. It was nice to take in the the Kev and Michael vibes -- they are my absolute favorite guys and it's such a treat to spend time with them. Then, I drove back down to Oceanside on Sunday to spend the afternoon with Sara. It was so good to see her. We had a late lunch (which included an insane amount of laughing) and then walked down to the beach to play some pool...and ended up staying there for hours, laughing and pooling it up. It was such a blast. We even met a couple guys and played doubles for awhile. The best part is that my team mate was really good at pool and I picked up on some pretty neat pool tips. I want to get good at pool now! Luckily, my Grandparents down the street have a pretty nice table and I think I'm going to make it a habit of going and playing with my Grandfather. Let's see...yesterday I rode Kalvin for the third day in a row (it would be SO nice to be able to ride every day) and then went shopping with my Mom to find some things for my house, including cute curtains and a dandy little sparrow (birds are kind of my thing these days). This morning, I'm meeting my sister and nieces out at the barn to give the girls a riding lesson and then I'll be working more on my house this afternoon. So far, I've been super busy and loving it!

Here's the dandy sparrow I got yesterday (currently resting on my fireplace mantel, with a few other things that make me happy):

12.26.08

I feel so weighed down and sluggish from all this holiday junk I've been eating. Starting today, I'm going back to basics. Whole grains, lots of veggies and fruits, nuts, yogurt and grilled chicken. The good stuff!

12.24.08

For those of you who are wondering how barefoot running went last night...well, let's just say I wouldn't advise it. My calves are so sore today and I feel like I need an hour-long foot massage to get all the kinks out. And, that's all from only running 3/4 of a mile! The shoes are coming back.

12.23.08

I ran four miles last night...which is impressive for me because I haven't ran over two miles in probably a year. Kev made me an awesome running mix and the music really kept me going. I'm going to try for at least four miles again tonight, but this time I'll be doing it barefoot. Yep, no shoes. I'm not landing correctly with my right foot and it's causing knee pain. I was wandering the internet today and discovered that lots of people find barefoot running much easier on the joints. It makes sense if you think about it. God didn't create us with shoes on, so it seems right that my feet will land most properly without shoes getting in the way. I guess I'll find out soon enough. But, brrrrrr, it's cold out in my garage! I wonder if I can get away with sock running instead of barefoot running?

It was a little slow in the office today and it felt wonderful to pick up a pen and doodle:

12.21.08

Yesterday, I took Kalvin on a trail ride. It was horrible. He kept spinning and trying to head back home. He even reared up at one point. There must have been evil, horse-eating trolls under every bridge because no matter how much I urged him on, Kalvin refused to cross. Puddles must have housed scary monsters with sharp teeth just ready to leap out at us, because Kalvin wouldn't go near them. I was so fed up with fighting to keep him moving forward that I eventually gave in and we left the trail and rode on the street, around the bridges and mud puddles. He got his way.

I decided to take advantage of the sunshine today and take Kalvin on another trail ride. He definitely remembered that he got his way yesterday because he was spinning and circling back toward the barn a handful of times before we even got to the first bridge. I was not about to let him win (especially since his bad habit was only getting worse)! I kept his head down and I faced it slightly towards the fence so he didn't have any room to turn around, and I squeezed him over the bridge. Sure enough, as soon as we were over and he knew I wasn't going to let him get his way, he was a perfect gentleman. It was a wonderful ride! We even took new trails we've never been on before and he behaved himself perfectly. And, to make it even better, as we were heading home we crossed paths with the hot cowboy I've seen a few times on trail. ::blush:: Today was a good day.

12.20.08

blah.

12.19.08

As I was getting ready to head out of the office yesterday, I handed the origami horse directions to Paul, our UI Designer and my cube neighbor, and challenged him to make it. This is what I found on my desk this morning (I think it's absolutely perfect...tape and all):

12.18.08

It's finally feeling like winter. There's a refreshing bite to the air (brrrr) and the sky is so crisp it feels like the skies of other seasons have been out of focus (or blurred by smog, more likely). This morning, on the way to work, I noticed the mountains on the horizon completely wrapped in snow. There's something so pure about winter.

I can't get enough of snapping pictures through my windshield. Here's another view of what my drive to work is like. The sky just mesmerizes me!

12.17.08

I'm feeling slightly glum tonight. I'm not sure why. Just this morning I was driving to work and marveling at how happy I've been lately. Maybe I'm finally coming down from it all. Maybe it's because the rain is keeping me locked up inside. Maybe I ate way too much sugar today with all the holiday food roaming the office and it's making me feel gross. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe it's because even though I love being a hermit, sometimes this house seems too big and lonely. Maybe it's all of the above. I think I need a hug.

12.16.08 P.S.

This afternoon was my second attempt to fold an origami horse and I just can't seem to do it. Not even close. I thought it would be a nice little break in between web site updates here at work...but instead of mellowing me out it's got me completely frustrated.

I challenge you to an origami test. Download the PDF of directions here.

You'll be my hero if you can master this!

12.16.08

Today is Carrie's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARRIE!

In celebration of the special day, check out this awesome video of a dog playing in the snow. I can't get enough of it!

Oh, and I just discovered that Where the Wild Things Are is going to be a movie (Oct. 2009). I could cry I'm so excited. It looks like it's going to be AMAZING!

12.15.08

There is so much beauty in the world that I can't help but get overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I don't see things the same way other people do and get frustrated when they have a hard time understanding how beautiful it all is. Sometimes I get embarrassed because I can tell they think I'm childish when I spend minutes oohing and aahing over the smallest of things. The thing is, they aren't small at all...they're huge examples of how much God loves us. His love for us is so big that He takes the greatest of care in adding beauty to even the tiniest details.

12.15.08

Here's an e-mail I sent to a friend this morning that recaps my weekend:

...It was supposed to rain for us but didn't start until last night (which is great b/c I got to squeeze in a trail ride yesterday before everything was taken over by mud puddles). It never gets old waking up to the sound of rain and listening to it with a cup of hot coffee in hand, so today has started out quite wonderfully.

Saturday was amazing. I really, really need to learn Spanish so I can communicate with the family more, but the good thing is that love and laughter are universal languages so there weren't too many awkward language-barrier moments. ..."my family". They're pretty special. It was awesome to see how much pride they took in their new home and how well they've taken care of it since July. It felt like a home; there was a warmth to it. Anyway, Saturday was a wonderful day and Sunday wasn't too shabby either. I checked out the high-school ministry small groups and really think I want to volunteer to serve as a leader. It's so amazing to be surrounded by all these kids and think of all the potential they hold for making this world a better place. It's pretty intense. Oh, and the Christmas party last night was great. It's fun to be in a room full of women gabbing about nothing much other than horses. :)

12.13.08 P.S.

...because today was absolutely fabulous and I just have to share:

12.13.08

Today's going to be a pretty neat day. A small group of us are going down to El Nino to visit the family we built a house for this past summer. We'll be bringing them lots of love, some fun Christmas stuff and extra donations they might need. I'm so excited that God's giving us the opportunity to start a relationship with this family and I'm also super excited that a couple people from my work are coming. I love being able to join people together in serving...it's something I get such a kick out of.

Another good (but less important) thing about today is that I'm typing this, coffee in hand, at home! I love having internet at home again! :)

12.12.08

I love the sky.
I was driving to work this morning, paying more attention to the sky than the road. Horrible, I know. But just look at it...it's beautiful!

12.11.08

I kinda-sorta like Magick by Ryan Adams and the Cardinals. It's not his usual style and it's pretty pop...but I've replayed it a bunch of times tonight. You'd better watch out, it might hook you too!

12.11.08

The view from my chair at work:

12.10.08

Why is it that it's so hard sometimes to hand a piece of my life over to God...even when I know His plans are so much bigger and better than mine could ever be? I'm in a place where there's something I want that isn't of God and it's hurting my heart to let it go.

On a lighter note, I'm getting internet cable today! I cannot wait to get internet connection at home again...I miss iTunes and I think (don't get too excited yet), I think I might get back on Facebook because I miss my Lorz and Gi.

12.09.08

A huge swarm of bad-mood beasties are hanging over my head this morning. It's so annoying when they come around...

12.08.08

I don't think I'll go back to Vegas for a long time. I was so sensitive to the atmosphere -- it really depressed me to be constantly surrounded by people who were far from sober. It felt like a film was taken off my eyes and I could see Vegas for what it truly is, not a glittering city filled with excitement and energy, but instead a dirty city filled with lost and broken people. It made me incredibly sad.

Yesterday, I climbed up on my roof with a box of Christmas lights. I don't have a ladder so I pulled myself up from a barstool to the playhouse roof then to the house roof. When I got up, dragging the box behind me, I realized how steep the roof actually was. I could get to the end of it but bending down to the staple lights onto the wooden eave would have been suicidal. So, I figured it would be smarter to put the lights up while on a ladder and decided to climb back down. That's when I realized coming down from the roof without a ladder was a lot harder than climbing up! I ended up jumping to the playhouse roof (after a silent prayer that the roof wouldn't cave in under my weight) and then shimmied down the house window frame. It was quite an adventure. I'm thinking tonight I might borrow my grandparents ladder and try putting up lights the right way.

Giant wheels on our drive to Vegas:


The space ship at Alien Fresh Jerky:


Visiting with Nicole. We met on the last Africa trip and she lives in Vegas...and she's fabulous:


My Mom and I won big at Excalibur's games:

12.04.08

Last night was amazing. It started even before I went to church. Thank you so much for those of you who prayed for me...I could feel it! God eased my anxiety and it started with a soap bubble. Yes, a soap bubble. I was doing dishes and talking with God and a few soap bubbles started floating up around me. I was watching them drift up towards the ceiling, enjoying the way they moved and the little tiny, glossy rainbows reflecting from them. I know this might sound silly (yes, more silly then watching bubbles)...but I was talking with God and said something like, "Okay God. I haven't been feeling your presence lately and it would be great if I could feel you near tonight. I know I shouldn't be testing you but the bubble is about to hit the ceiling and pop and it would be near impossible for it to move back down again...so could you please move it back down so I know you're here?" Well, the bubble didn't just float back down again, it also stopped in mid air right in front of my eyes and hoovered there. No joke. It felt like a giant hug from God. So, my usual anxiety was completely gone as I headed for church. No sweaty palms, no racing heart, no shaky legs...nothing! Just a nice, easy calm. Last night was the high school ministry's service so I met a few of the other volunteers, a couple of the students and then sat down to hear the high school pastor speak. He shared a video from Advent Conspiracy (see below) that just blew me away. It's exactly how my heart feels about this time of year. I just watched it again this morning and started tearing up. I urge you to watch it and rethink Christmas. Anyway, back to the service...wow! I was completely blown away by seeing all these young faces worshiping God -- so full of energy and passion and potential. I need to do a little more praying about it, and check out the Sunday morning life groups, but I have a feeling I finally found where I'm supposed to be serving in the church. I'm really, really excited about it (and hope I can start volunteering in time for broom ball night)! :)

On to other exciting things...I'm driving out the Vegas around lunch time with my Mom. We'll be meeting up with some old Oregon friends for a few days and I'm really looking forward to it. I can't wait!

(I'm having issues uploading the video from Advent Conspiracy. I'll try again later but if you want to check it out now, go here.)

12.03.08 P.S.

Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings is making my morning pretty awesome. They've been in my itunes for some time now -- I'm giving them a re-listen and loving it. Give 'em a try!

12.03.08

I'll be checking out high school ministry at my church tonight to see if it's something I can start volunteering with...and I'm super nervous. Please pray for me today! I have social anxiety that gets pretty bad sometimes and I'm worried I'll freeze up and get all awkward in front of a huge group of highschoolers.

12.01.08

I have three amazingly wonderful things and one not-so-wonderful thing to share.

Amazingly wonderful:

1) Carrie is in labor right now! I'm SO excited and my heart literally hurts because I want so much to be in Texas right now.

2) Shannon had her son on Thanksgiving day -- Joshua Walter Johnson! I've been really sick (spent the last three and a half days in bed) so I haven't been able to see him in person, but his photographs are so adorable!

3) I jumped Kalvin yesterday! Linda put two poles down on either side of the arena and told me to trot him over them. He jumped over them (even though he didn't need to because they were just poles lying on the ground)! We ended up running around the arena for about five minutes straight, jumping each pole. We must have been a sight...me hanging on without stirrups, laughing the entire time and him jumping and running around. It was a blast!

Not-so-wonderful

1) I HATE AT&T! I was on the phone for at least an hour today and ended up just canceling my service. I still don't have a phone line hooked up to my house (which means no internet either) and am getting billed. Plus, they cancelled my internet without letting me know. So, now I might end up forking out more cash and getting a cable line through Time Warner. I miss my internet, darn it!

11.26.08

Price stickers. I hate them. I hate them more than splinters or traffic or techno music. I'm trying to peel one off a pen I bought yesterday and it's coming off in thin, little sections and leaving a sticky film behind. The world would be a better place without annoying price stickers that won't unstick!

11.25.08

As promised, here's video of Junebug and me playing. She was having so much fun I had to climb over the fence to get away -- she's little but she's strong!

11.24.08

I smashed my fingers pretty badly in the garage door this morning. A few are still throbbing, even after soaking them in ice water and taking Advil. So, as much as I want to share about my Texas trip, it's just going to have to wait until it doesn't hurt so much to type. Until then, here are a few of my favorite pictures (mostly of Norman, of course):

Feeding Norman mints:


Riding Norman (well, attempting to ride because he isn't trained):


Norman and Mo in the background:


Loving on JuneBug, the baby cow I got to play with (video coming soon):


Another one of JuneBug, so you can appreciate her cuteness: